Please don't say that I am destroying your plans. Do you think that sentence does not hurt me? Do you think I have not cried my own tears?
What ever made you think that the Duckz Chronicles, FFFFFugatives, the podcast, etc. didn't mean immense amounts to me? Of course I realize the predicament my inactivity creates for these. That's why I say I am not walking away forever. If I can't be here to participate now, then I hope very desperately I will be able to in the future. I want to be a part of these things! If I get the chance I plan to take it.
I think I have not used the correct wording to express some things. When I talked about silliness and goofing off, I meant in all the good ways those words can be used. I meant silly as in good, sweet, innocent, and not taking things so seriously that we can't have a good laugh at ourselves. I guess I forgot that word has a lot of negative connotations around it nowadays. When I said goofing off, I just meant having a good time, hanging out and not getting hung up over staying on topic if the conversation took a hilarious turn into randomness. I never meant that the KotOS series/roleplay/etc has no value to me.
I have not given up writing. It means a lot to me that you still remember that conversation, and also that you would remind me of it now. Thank you. When you say we have a long-standing friendship, it is very true. You have always encouraged me, been kind and honest about my writing, and frankly out-witted me in most of my attempts at being witty. We have always gotten along well and that friendship is very important to me to. And by the way, you had better write that story, because I'm still waiting for the English version to come out so I can read it. :P
I am glad to say that as far as jobs go, I like mine so far. But there are a few points here I disagree with. You say I should not listen to what I think God wants for me, for I could be misled. If I do not listen, how will I ever hear? Of course we do not want to be misled, and one must be careful of that as you say. But I don't think that not listening is the right answer to the problem, rather that discernment is, something of which I pray for. You also say that I could not be unhappy about things God calls me to. That sounds very simple and ideal- but it is not always what I have seen in obedient people whom I admire, or in my own life. Two and a half years ago my family had to move. I didn't want to. However I knew that where I was- the only home I'd ever known, a place among friends and familiarity- was not where I was supposed to be. And it hurt so much to be obedient and submit to moving; yet I can see how God has blessed it now. I didn't think of it as something to do in order to achieve happiness, and some parts still hurt in for their own reasons. But I have no doubts that it was what God was asking me to submit to and that it was the right thing.
I don't want to stop contributing to these things that are dear to me, with friends who matter even more to me. But it's a question of disobeying or obeying, no matter if it makes me happy presently or not. So it's not that obedience should make me happy, but that I should be happy as an act of obedience. An obedient heart ought to be a joyful heart, and that is something I struggle with in this. I don't know if I am properly explaining how I feel about this, and I want to echo your request to not be offended, because that is definitely not what I want to happen.
I could almost find it funny how I knew someone would remember that post and put it up here. Since I'm not leaving entirely, I say it doesn't count, but I knew it would appear nonetheless. Yeah, things will be different after this, and I'm scared too. I'm scared I'll manage to lose you guys like I've lost friends before. That fear makes it all the more desperately important that I don't lose you guys.
None of this has been useless to me. None of it has been "silly" as in trivial and pointless. You say you're determined to persuade me to return or that the KotOS are something great- I'm persuaded, FFFFFplayer, not because of your speech, but because of our friendship. I pray the door will open so that I can allow more time for the KotOS without those around me suffering for it.