Happy Mother's Day (2021)

Happy Mother’s Day

Greetings human bipeds.  Prepare to behold a totally 100% canon story about four ding-dongs. This takes place an unspecified amount of months after the defeat of thedude in ‘Murica. Doctor Jellyfish has convinced the Apprentice Mage Peragrine Wanderthistle Silverstine as well as Sir Stirling ‘Strider’ Silverstine and Sir Kalaren Grimfire the Archer to free his mother from thedude’s old house, where rebel Paradox Rouges have camped out. Watch out for land roving squids. See Ya later.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peragrine poked his head through the underbrush. “Oh yeah, there’s some Rouges out there.”

“How many?” Kalaren whispered back from behind him.

Peragrine began counting under his breath. “...tres, cuatro, cinco… Um roughly 5 or so.”

“What do you mean by ‘roughly’?” Stirling growled.

“Well, there’s a few walking around, in and out. Dunno why.”

Kalaren smiled grimly, “We can handle five, the question is will we alert the others inside thedude’s old cabin?”

Jellyfish sighed, “Could we hurry it up? My mother is very impatient.”

Stirling waved him off. “You can’t rush strategy.”

Peragrine snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! Jellyfish, do you have a wig, some lipstick, and a parasol?”

The other three stared at him, hoping he would take that back.

“....Well actually, I do, Peragrine. It belonged to my mother,” Dr. Jellyfish responded once he was sure Peragrine wasn’t joking.

“Oh! Perfect. Well, then, I don’t want to break the parasol, but if you give me the wig and lipstick, I’ll make a distraction, while you guys go into the Cabin!”

“Peragrine, that is a terrible idea,” Stirling muttered.

“Besides, do you expect us to waltz right in the front door?” Kalaren added.

“Well, no, of course not. There’s the back door!” Peragrine replied.

“Yes, and it has another three guards, remember? And we saw some shinobis too.” Kalaren pointed out.

The four men pulled back from their hiding spot and sat in a circle in the cover of the underbrush. They were in southern Morcia, right outside thedude’s original fort, near where he had first landed, all those years ago.

It had only been in the past few months that the Knights of the Olde Speech, along with the rest of the Free People of Militeregum, (of which an official name had never been established,) had finally brought thedude to his knees, and been dealt a final and finishing blow. However, even with the head of the(dude’s pet) snake literally cut off, there were still other evil men in the lands, who had taken advantage of the power vacuum, and stole away as many men and resources of thedude’s old regime as they could, twisting them to their own ambitions.

Here in thedude’s oldest fortification was one such splinter group. Mostly consisting of Paradox Rogues, they had taken up residence here. Under whose leadership, was unknown.

Unfortunately, Dr. Jellyfish needed to get into this place, as he had told his friends, Kalaren, Stirling, and Peragrine. He had told them about how when he had first landed here on Militeregnum with thedude, on the USS Botany Bay, as a wrongfully accused Nexus Force Scientist, sentenced to Prison for conspiracy with thedude. When he had crash-landed here, he had left important things, including, he said, his mother, to the care of fellow colleagues.

However, with the threat of thedude finally gone, he felt that it was now safe, and in fact very necessary, to go and meet up with her again, as well as recover all of his old things he’d left with her for safekeeping.

So, the three friends had agreed to help Jellyfish, and they had set off for thedude’s oldest base. And now here they were.

Stirling bore traditional Morcian knight armour, mostly bits and pieces of his ancestor’s armour. Notably, there was a family crest on his breastplate, a dragon winding around Mount Tuna. The silver metal matched his hair, as Stirling wasn’t quite as young as he used to be. However, he still carried a sword and shield, as well as a rarely used (and therefore still nice and shiny) revolver given to him by another good friend, Rebecca Walters.

Kalaren was dressed in worn Paradox gear, as well as a dark brown hooded cloak. Beneath it, with the hilt showing out of the top right corner of the cloak, was his long sword, that his father, a magical Blacksmith, had made for him. It was sitting in its sheath. He was holding his bow (With armour piercing arrows) by his side. He had a quiver hanging from his belt. He also had a black leather glove for his left hand, to match his black sleeve for his robotic right arm.

Peragrine wore his typical Wizard getup that he’d worn over the course of the past few years, keeping it well-fitted with the help of a good tailor that he’d often recommend. It consisted of a leather overcoat that reached his calves but kept buttoned only to the waist, tough yet comfortable padded leggings, and supple, agile boots. His hair, facial and otherwise, was still brown, but longer and more distinguished, having lost it’s boyish charm. However, his eyes still held an impish glee, especially with the prospect of stealth, combat, and general risk of life and limb so imminent.

Jellyfish was wearing a stained lab coat, some hot-wired goggles, a paradox blaster, (He had kept it for years, though once he disassembled it because it lacked the energy to fire. He put it back together after he had found out how to recharge it, with a friend’s help.) cargo pants, and a blue shirt. His hair was completely white, though it was thinning. He was desperately trying to grow a mustache but kept on failing. (due to too many scientific endeavors.) His eyes, a keen light blue, were the clearest indicator of his clarity of mind and body that he still had, even at his advanced age.

“What we need to do is get inside without them knowing. From there, we should be able to handle however many we find.” Kalaren said.

“And free my mother,” Jellyfish stated.

Stirling glanced at Kalaren. “Ok, Paradox,” he said. “Do you have a full outfit in there?”

“Do you really think I forsake all my other supplies to fit a paradox disguise in my pack?” Kalaren said frankly as he waved to his backpack. He looked at Stirling, waiting for a response. Which was exasperation.

“Bah!”

Kalaren grinned in satisfaction. “Well, I do have a helmet, and some gloves. I could borrow Jellyfish’s blaster and distract them, or even better…”

“We could be your prisoners!”  “You guys could be my prisoners!” Peragrine echoed Kalaren’s finishing thought, as Stirling flung his hands up in a ‘ta-da’ effect, accidentally hitting a low-hanging branch, sending it flying. Jellyfish jumped at Kalaren and started pressing buttons on his right arm.

“Hey, What are you doing Doc?”

“I think there’s a camouflage screen on herrrrree…” Jellyfish said as their immediate surroundings shimmered briefly.

Stirling groaned. “I’m sure they didn’t hear that,” he muttered, just as the four of them heard footsteps coming in their direction.

“Yeah, Dobson, I saw it fly out from here!” came the muffled tone of a shinobi.

Kalaren threw off his cloak, quiver, sword and bow and went digging for his helmet as Jellyfish handed him his blaster quickly. Stirling quickly pulled out some rope, and Peragrine used magic to throw it around all three of the elected ‘prisoners’ in a single line.

“Like you should know! It hit ME!” came the voice of another shinobi.

Jellyfish deactivated the camouflage screen as Kalaren stepped forward.

“Hey, fellas, could you give me a hand here?”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” screamed Peragrine waving his bound arms around, inadvertently yanking the other two.

“Quiet you maggot!” Yelled Kalaren. “The rabble I brought in are quite unruly.”

“Dear Lord,” muttered Stirling to himself.

The two shinobis came over and saw the situation. “John? Is that you?”

Kalaren froze for a brief moment. “Um. Yeah. Did a perimeter check. Found these perps infiltrating our, uh, perp-rimeter.”

“Awesome! So where’s Craig?”

“Uh, with Sheila.”

“Who’s Sheila?!?”

“Uh…”

“SHE’S SO UGLY, I’D RATHER KISS MY UNCLE!!!” Peragrine railed.

“Oh, you don’t know who Sheila is?” Stirling said, turning to the Shinobi. “She’s sorta chunky, likes to give out orders, kinda bossy…” he rambled on, describing a typical 'Karen' personality, hoping he was vague enough that something would catch...

“Sheila is actually my mother’s name…” Jellyfish muttered.

“Oooh! HER!” exclaimed one of the shinobis. Turning to the other, he added, “Remember that chick in the lunchroom the other day who was arguing with the cook? That must be Sheila!”

“Ohhhh!” the other exclaimed.

“Well, we better get this lot to the Colonel… Heeey, they all still have their weapons! And there’s a sword on the ground!” pointed out the first shinobi. Stir, Perry, Kal and Jellyfish all froze.

“You usually know better, John.”

“Well uh-”

“What if he’s not John, that helmet could hide anybody! Even Sheila!”

“Or a squid!”

“Or a jellyfish!” Jellyfish winced.

“Maybe a fish!”

“Why are we talking about aquatic life?”

“I dunno. Something about John’s helmet.”

“Oh! Yes.”

“Listen, fellas,” Stirling groaned. “As much as I’d love to watch you two debate aquatic animals on this warm summer day, I think we should all go inside where it’s a little cooler, and there we can discuss all the finer points of-”

“And bring you closer to the Colonel! Ha! I not think!”

“It’s ‘I think not’…” Kalaren mumbled

“But clearly, they don’t,” Stirling added.

“See? The prisoners are familiar with this John imposter!” cried the first Shinobi.

“Wait, we can test John.”said the second Shinobi, who then turned to Kal. “What’s my name, John?”

“Uhhh, Dobson?”

“Correct!” Smiled Dobson. “Now, what about my colleague here? What’s his name?”

“Uhhh, Dobson??”

“Correct! Man, it really is John!” Dobson exclaimed.

“Phew!”

“What’s that you said John?” Said Dobson. The other one.

“Nevermind.”

“Ok, well, we’ll take all these weapons and head inside.” Dobson headed towards Kalaren’s sword. Kalaren’s eyes widened as he tried to intervene.

“This is one awesome-looking sword! But now it is the property of ‘Dobson and Dobson’!” proclaimed Dobson the first, as he scooped the sword up by the scabbard and admired how the jeweled pommel reflected the light.

“Uh, ‘Dobson and Dobson’?” Kalaren asked as he slowly walked towards the first Dobson.

Dobson, second Dobson, replied as he held Stirling at bladepoint. “Ah! Well, Dobson and I are twin brothers, and before we joined the Paradox, we were the owners of a Law Firm, ‘Dobson and Dobson’. We mostly handled Pharmaceutical lawsuits.”

“Ah, so why did you join the Paradox?”

“Dobson mistook the Paradox Scheme for a Pyramid Scheme.” Said the first Dobson, who had tried to touch the pommel, then brought his hand back sharply. “Yeow! This thing just stung me!”

Kalaren had to make this quick. “Maybe I can take a look at it while you tell me why your names are both Dobson?”

“Good idea!” replied Dobson, handing the sword over. “Well, when me and Dobson were born, the Doctor asked our dad what Dobson’s name should be, while the Nurse asked our mother what my name should be. And they both said that the baby’s name should be Dobson, as previously discussed.”

“Oh, well, this sword is fine for me. Let’s head inside now.”

“Sure, John.” Said Dobson, having acquired the prisoner’s weapons.

“Fine with me!” Agreed Dobson.

They headed inside.

~~~~

Inside, there were much more Paradox forces than accounted for. In fact, it was quite cramped on the main level of the Cabin, and as they descended down some stairs, they more than once had to squeeze past others coming up. Along the way they passed by the kitchen, where an argument was occurring.

“Potatoes look better brown!” exclaimed a rough male voice

“Well I like purple potatoes better than brown ones! And they shouldn’t have their skin still on them!” declared a lighter female voice

“Yes they should, we must impress the Colonel!”

“Well, then I quit!”

“And go where? We might have a traitor in our very midst, and I know that Craig isn’t happy with the Colonel’s leadership!”

“Oh? How do you know for sure?!”

“I don’t! The point is we’re cooking the brown potatoes and leaving the skin on, Barbara!

Dobson and Dobson looked back at Kalaren suspiciously.

“Uh, wrong Sheila?” he suggested.

They nodded and appeared to be satisfied.

“Oh, ok.”  

As they went down to what Stirling counted as the 5th level from ground, his internal grumblings began to truly make him worry. He didn’t know how big thedude’s base was, but this was looking more and more like a difficult escape.

Awhile later, he was somewhat encouraged, as they all clambered into a spacious elevator and it appeared to be ascending.

“Why are we heading up again? After all those stairs?” Queried Jellyfish.

“The Colonel made us install this elevator here, It’s the only way up to his office. Supposed to be for security, but it’s just given me sore legs.” replied Dobson.

“You know, I could fix up a personal precision teleporter for you! It’s been a long time since I last made it, but this time I’m pretty sure I won’t scatter your body across 13 different dimensions.”

“That sounds great but, uh, just how sure are you?”

“Eh, 27% sure. Why?”

“Uhh…” The elevator arrived at the top, and Dobson made sure to walk as far away from Jellyfish as possible. Then the doors opened, and they were in the Office of the Colonel.

The ‘Colonel’ was dressed in a white suit, with white hair, and facing out the window. He stood behind his desk, which had his name-”

“COLONEL SANDERS?!” cried Peragrine, suddenly rushing forward with inhuman speed, dragging his friends along with him, and knocking over Dobson and Dobson as well as Kalaren. He zoomed around the desk and stuck both of his bound hands at the larger than life figure in front of him.

“Colonel, it’s a pleasure to meet you! Let me shake your hand!”

The Colonel, with his serene glasses and perfectly clean goatee did not immediately acknowledge Peragrine. But when he did, it was with a solid thwok from his cane that sent Peragrine sprawling against the desk.

“Ah don’t associate mehself with ya’selves.” he said in a terrible southern accent that reminded Stirling, Peragrine and Kalaren of....

“Thedude???” Stirling gasped. "But, that's impossible!"

April Fools.

The Colonel’s head snapped to Stirling, laying on the floor. “Good gracious, nevah! That man had no vision!” He raised his cane above Stirling, as the knight tried to roll away, but in a flash, the cane had come down…

...And sliced right through the rope.

Kalaren unsheathed his sword as he whacked the weapons out of Dobson’s hands, scattering them across the room, simultaneously pointing the paradox blaster at Colonel Sanders.

In response, Dobson and Dobson pulled out their shinobi blades and held them up at Kalaren’s throat.

Peeling himself off the desk, Peragrine magically summoned his staff construct from the aether, and swung at the Colonel.

“I’LL NEVER EAT AT YOUR RESTAURANT AGAIIIIN!” he cried, but the Colonel blocked the blow with freakishly fast speed.

“Yes, you will,” he replied. “Because I am taking over this untapped land! Everywhere, Militeregnum is advancing, but as of yet, NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE, has brought FAST FOOD to Militiregnum! It is an untapped market of GOLD! And soon, I shall make it MINE! BEHOLD! Hey, that rhymes.” And he swung his cane towards the window, which, now that everyone looked out, they realized the Elevator had taken them far higher than originally thought, and they were on the top of a small mountain that had been behind the Cabin. They could see Southwest for miles, almost to the coast.

“All that the light touches… IS THE NEW SOUTHWEST!”

Dobson and Dobson stood up and held their hands over their hearts as they began to hum “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”

Kalaren slammed his sword pommel into the Dobson on his right , and blaster-slapped the other, before either could recover. Meanwhile, Peragrine and Colonel Sanders were engaged in a furious exchange of blows. The Colonel now had two implements, having pulled a sword out of his cane. With these two he appeared to match Peragrine’s magical bo staff.

While Kalaren handled Dobson and Dobson, and Peragrine dueled Sanders, Stirling discreetly took out a hunting knife from his boot, and undid Dr Jellyfish's bonds.

“Okay, Doctor,” the knight muttered. “We're inside of this madhouse now. Do you know the way through?”

“Almost certainly!” he replied. “Once we return down that elevator, I believe I know the way…!”

Stirling nodded gravely. “Perfect. Then hold that Elevator for us. This is the Colonel’s Last Stand!” Then the two dove for their respective weapons that the Dobson’s had dropped, and rushed to complete their objectives.

But before we continue, let’s hear a message from our sponsors!

DOBSON AND DOBSON LAW FIRM. WE SPECIALIZE IN BRINGING THE FIGHT TO BIG PHARMA. WHEN BIG PHARMA GIVE YOU A BIG HEADACHE, FORGET EVERYTHING BUT DOBSON AND DOBSON. JUST REMEMBER THIS EASY NUMBER: 3627660362766. THAT’S 3627760362766!

Three minutes later, it was all over.

Super ripped, hulked-out, shirtless Sanders collapses to the ground, coughing up maple syrup.

“It… It’s impossible…! She said...I would be… Invincible…!”

Stirling flopped over to Sanders. “Well, you tell your mistress, Mrs. Butterworth, that there’s always the chance that someone has a gigantic bunny fatsuit to OWN your bohunkus.” He flopped an oversized bunny foot onto the Colonel’s super tight trousers to demonstrate.

Kalaren revved his Wormholer, spewing maple syrup everywhere. “And by the way, waffles never go with chicken.”

Peragrine opened a closet door, looking for bacon to go with all of this maple syrup. “Hey guys, look who I found!”

Sara Pinewood flopped out of the closet door, staring at Peragrine indignantly, before falling to the floor. It could have had something to do with the fact she was tied and gagged hand and foot with noodles.

Dr. Jellyfish scurried over. “This is perfect! I can make nun-chucks out of this!” He withdrew a scalpel and quickly cut Sara from her bonds, before digging into the closet behind Sara. “Hey! This is filled with Chinese Takeout! I have all the anatomical parts to graft a land-roving squid!” Jellyfish began furiously knitting the food with chopsticks.

Meanwhile, Dobson and Dobson set about helping Sara Pinewood up. “We’re so sorry that our boss had kidnapped you,” Dobson said. “It’s not right to kidnap young ladies.”

“Or old ones!” Dobson added.

“I’m Middle-aged.” Sara grumbled.

“That too! We see the error of our ways. We’re going to follow our real dreams, right Dobson?”

“That’s right, Dobson!”

“Hunting platypie!”

“What? No, the other dream.”

“Open a LAW FIRM!”

“Yeah, Dobson! I mean, we did all ready, but we’ll re-open! *GASP* We could put ARAGARTHIAN CAKE THERE!” Dobson and Dobson began hopping up and down in the respective bunnysuits. Oh, by the way. They were wearing bunny suits.

Sara raised an eyebrow. ”Who are you guy-Yow! Peragrine? Uhhh… Is Tain here?”

Stirling turned to Sara. “Glad you could join us. We just killed Colonel Sanders and stopped the plot of Book 4 and a half from ever happening. I think we’re wrapping up. Just hold on for about 10 more minutes and then the madness should subside. This is what you get for having Pizza with anchovies 10 minutes before you went to bed.”

A disembodied voice randomly screamed about some dude named Pete. Surprisingly, everybody dismissed this, except Sara, who was still trying to catch up, and didn’t know she should disregard this.

“Pizza? Colonel Sanders? Is that thedude’s real name? I am SO confused.” Sara complained. Sara began to explore. “Hey, another closet.” She opened it. “Dad! Hey! Why are you tied up by bacon?”

Sara helped her father, Franklyn Pinewood, as Bacon flowed like a river around them, into Peragrine’s waiting arms.

Kalaren pointed at Franklyn. “Hey, aren’t you dead?”

The man turned to Kalaren. “No! In fact, Colonel Sanders was my Commander in the battle for Skyfalls. When thedude won, The Colonel switched sides and fought for thedude! When I refused to follow his new orders, so obsessed with food as he was, he locked me up in a closet for over 15 years on a timeout!

“YOU SERVED THE COLONEL!?!? DEATH COMES SWIFTLY!”

“Um, Kal, please don’t kill my dad. By the way, Where’s mom?”

“Oh, she’s downstairs with some talking Jellyfish.”

“WHATSA?

Upon hearing this, Dr. Jellyfish came out of the other closet riding his completed land-roving squid mount.”  “THAT’S MY MOTHER! TAKE ME TO HER!”

Everybody turned and stared. Including the disembodied voice.

“Your mother was a jellyfish?” Stirling asked, incredulous despite everything that’s happened in the past 90 seconds.

“Wasn’t yours?”

“...No.” Stirling replied

“Can’t say that she was.” Kalaren said.

“My mother could talk to animals!” Peragrine offered, stuffing his face with bacon.

Jellyfish shrugged. “Jellyfish.”

“Lets go downstairs.” Sara sighed. Everyone agreed, so the whole crew; Dr. Jellyfish (with his Land-roving squid mount), Stirling, (Still in bunny fatsuit.)  Peragrine (Now Fat by eating copious amounts of Maple Bacon Anything), Kalaren (Very wet with maple syrup), Sara (as confused as she’d ever been) , Franklyn (Smelling very much like bacon), and Dobson & Dobson (Also in bunny fatsuits, with dapper lawyer bowties, because why not.), all crammed into the elevator and took it to the -1000th floor.

They listened to some nice elevator music on the way down.

However, around floor -42 everyone worked together to rip out the speakers providing said elevator music since it mostly consisted of 1000 variations of monkeys banging on pianos.

Here is a link to one example. https://youtu.be/-J9O5Yj3-I4

Eventually, they reached their destination, and the elevator doors slid open.

Sara gasped as well as Franklyn as they saw a bright pink jellyfish swimming in the very hot and misty air.

“Thats Laura! I know it!” Franklyn exclaimed.

“That’s my mother! I know it!” Jellyfish exclaimed!

The Jellyfish spoke. “Franklyn! Darlin, Your here! You brought the girl and the boy, but whadda'bout Victor?”

“Victor’s in Hawaii. Oh, by the way Sara, Dr. Jellyfish is your brother.”

Stirling did a spit-take, despite having not drunk anything.

Kalaren’s jaw dropped.  “It all makes sense!”

Peragrine passed out. Not from the shock, but from eating too much bacon on the way down.

The Dobsons sighed. “This reminds me of the time we helped that orange plutonian guy with his fishing expedition.”

“Yeah. He made us honorary agents of the secret service or something. It was weird.”

“Yeah.”

Sara was even more confused. “Uh….Jelly, can you scan or something to see if these even are my parents?”

Jellyfish was already hugging his mother. And suffering for it due to jellyfish toxins.  “I’m so glad you’re safe, Mother.”

“Oh, dear. It’s been just lovely here; I’ve been quite at home. How goes your experiments?”

“JELLYFISH!”

“Really? How fascinating.”

“Yes, and I’d love to tell you more, but according to the furrowing eyebrows of my compatriots it’s time to get a move on!” Dr. Jellyfish commented, grabbing ahold of one his mother’s tentacles, and pulling her along like a balloon.

Sara held an arm out to halt their advance. “Wait." And the music became slow, ominous, and dramatic. "How do I know you’re really my Mom?” She would be darned if she wasn’t going to start getting some semblance of an idea of a notion of a theory for what was  going on here.

The Jellyfish tilted it’s jelly head. “Really, dear. Do you think you got all of your fighting skills from your father, did you?”

“Um, I got them... from myself.” Sara started to do a dance-like fighting style in the air.

The Jellyfish burbled cheerily. “Well, I suppose I could also mention how much you loved our horse Duster, and how you were heartbroken when we had to ride it out to war.”

“Not really. We didn’t see each other often. Sure, I rode him around a bit and fed him... And hugg-Oh, nevermind it's humiliating.” Sara grumbled.

“Well, now that we’ve got what we came for, how’s about we leave?” Stirling called out, scooping up the fat, comatose Peragrine.

Everyone began piling back into the elevator, except Sara.

“Me and Dr. Jellyfish have something to discuss.” she said.

Stirling held the elevator door open, sighing. “Alright, but make it quick. We’re still in enemy territory.”

She turned to the Doctor.

But Jellyfish (The Human… Half human) cut in before she could speak. “Yes, is our Mother’s name Laura or Sheila?”

“What?”

“Oh yes,” Jellyfish (The Jellyfish) spoke up, “My real name is Sheilaura, but Franklyn thought I would fit in better if we just called me Laura in public. But you only heard about the Sheila part, and Sara only heard about the Laura part!”

Sara interjected, somewhat irritated and confused.

“What I was going to say, Doctor Jellyfish, who is apparently my brother, Who gets to live with Mom?”

Dr. Jellyfish seemed confused. “Wouldn’t we all live together, under one happy, bubbly, JELLYFISH! Roof?”

“That’s a terrible idea!” Sara and Franklyn in unison.

“Don’t you need water to breath?” Franklyn asked Laura.

“Actually, no. I have gotten accustomed to the air around me. Plus, I don’t have lungs. Neither do you, Sara!” The Jellyfish said sweetly.

At this, Stirling did another spit-take which probably contained some stomach acids as everything it landed on started melting.

Kalaren took note. “Well. Now you surviving Gigfran Eggs makes a whole lot more sense.”

“Oh, well...We have lots o-WAIT WHAT?” Sara’s poor mind finally couldn’t take any more nonsense, and so she passed out.

“PERFECT!” Stirling cried out. “Franklyn, fireman-carry your daughter, and LET’S GET THE BLAZES OUTTA HERE.”

“Well, aren’t you the least bit concerned about Sara? There ought to be some doctor’s instruments...All well. There’ll be some upstairs, surely.”

As they walked into the elevator, Jellyfish pulled out a banjo from somewhere on his person. “I have one right here! And now we have elevator music!”

Although she was barely conscious, Sara plugged her ears.

And so as Dr. Jellyfish did a reasonably decent rendition of Yankee Doodle Dandy, with Dobson and Dobson singing…

Franklyn,

Mike Tyson,

Laura,

Sara,

Peragrine,

Jonna,

Stirling,

Dr. Jellyfish,

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

Kalaren,

Dobson & Dobson,

Wayne Brady,

….And Bob,

All listened and rode the elevator upward to the…

Ground floor

Yeah. Totally normal. Nothing weird. Why? Why would we do that? It’s not like this Elevator would have stopped them off at a police station or the Seventh dimension, or some evil villain’s lair, or the Supreme Duckz Commander’s Throne Room, or Jey Leno’s Garage, or was the main hook for a whole slew of other stories we won’t get into…

Instead, we’re going to focus on the end of it all.

As the Elevator dinged, and the announcement stated ‘Ground floor’, the doors opened, everyone peered out. By now, they have all recovered their sensibilities to some state.

Stirling had discarded the bunny fatsuit.

Dobson & Dobson were now properly dressed in dapper Lawyer attire.

Sara was now sorta able to stand!

Jellyfish had lost his land-roving squid on floor -14 ½ to a Turtle Dragon.

Peragrine had done a fitness montage in the elevator, and was now a healthy weight again.

Franklyn had found a secret bathroom in the elevator and took a shower to stop smelling like bacon. He smelled normal again!

The random celebrities who had appeared randomly got off at floor -457 for Space Jam 5. And they turned left on Albuquerque.

Jonna got picked up by Chase for their Honeymoon.

But back to the point. As our heros peered out of the elevator doors, Franklyn noted something…

“This isn’t the storeroom on the ground floor. . .”

Stirling looked down at the floor. “Yeah. this is actual dirt.”

Dr. Jellyfish pulled out a scanner and scanned the walls. “Mhm. Yup. 100% solid DIRT.”

“I’ll take your word for it, bro.” Sara said sleepily.

“Also, it’s very dark.” Kalaren said.

Peragrine shrugged and stepped out. “Anything’s better than staying cramped in the Elevator!” He looked up. “Hey! There’s stalgmatites, or whatever they’re called. This is a cave!”

“INDEED,” boomed a mysterious voice. “IT IS MY CAVE.”

Everyone jumped. Except for Sara, who had fainted again.

Stirling stepped forward to stand with Peragrine, who was wide eyed and curious.

“We don’t mean to intrude!” Stirling yelled to the darkness. Indeed, the only light in the cave was from the elevator in the wall of it. “We only want to pass through!”

Kalaren stepped forward and unsheathed his sword, setting it aflame magically, lighting the cave.

For as far as they could see, It was a normal brownish cave with stalagmites and stalactites. Behind them was a dead end, with the Elevator in the only smooth part of the wall.

“I’M AFRAID THIS IS THE END FOR ALL OF YOU.” the voice boomed. It seemed to come from further in.

“You mean… THIS IS THE END?!?!” Jellyfish exclaimed as he knee-slid, strumming his banjo.

Although unconscious, Sara sang “THIS IS THE END”. Franklyn joined in. And then Dobson & Dobson… And Stirling...And Kalaren…. And Peragrine...And The Booming Voice.

https://youtu.be/tElQCytTkMI

Until it stopped and it said, “AHEM. no, seriously, this is the end.”

And with this simple announcement, a dark robed and hooded individual stepped out from one of the stalagmites. He wore black paoulines and black gloves. Nothing of the individual could actually be discerned, other than it’s apparent love for black, and it’s booming voice, which seemed to worm around Stirling and Kalaren’s heads.

Sara stirred. “Mayor Thatt Guy? That you?”

“NAY. TIS NOT THE MAYO. TIS DARTH KA-ACKAAKACK-” and the figure doubled over in fits of cackling coughing.

“Whozawazit?” Kalaren said, leaning closer.

Peragrine ambled up to it. “Need some water, Darth Ka-aka-aka-aka?”

The dark figure snatched the water bottle Peragrine offered, and swigged it all down in one go, causing his hood to fall off!

Both Stirling and Kalaren gave a gasp that echoed throughout the cave.

“Kevin?!?”

“What are you DOING?” Kalaren asked, bewildered.

Kevin turned to the group, as Peragrine backed up.

“YES. TIS I. DARTH KAVERNOUS.”

“...The Mighty Aka-aka-aka?” Sara added.

Darth Kavernous seemed to ponder it for a moment. “YES. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A NICE ADDITION.” He threw his arms wide.

“I AM DARTH KAVERNOUS, THE MIGHTY AKA-AKA-AKA!” Some stalactites fell on the ground, crashing thunderously and randomly catching on fire to prove his point.

Everyone was terrified as the evil Darth Kevin seemed to rise in stature and strength.

Except for Sara, who fainted again.

“Man, she’s almost as good as Seton!” Peragrine whispered in awe.

Although she was barely conscious, she said: “Well, I am related to him!”

“THEY NE’ER SUSPECTED HUMBLE KEVIN,” the dark apparition whispered.

“ALWAYS SAYING EVERYBODY ELSE WAS THE DUDEMAN… OR DUDETTE-LADY… NE’ER TAKING HIM SERIOUSLY.” Darth Kavernous bowed low so his huge ego head leered closely to the group. They could see every pore and pimple on his face.

“Are you ‘Dudeman?’ Darth Kevin The Menacing Aka-aka-aka Dudeman?” Franklyn inquired.

“QUIET, I’M MONOLOGUING.” He replied before continuing.

“BUT NOW YOU SEE THE TRUE THREAT WAS BENEATH YOU ALL ALONG. FOR BEHOLD, I HAVE BEEN ORCHESTRATING EVERYTHING FROM THE BEGINNING! BECAUSE… I…”

Kevin’s huge leering grin stretched immeasurably wide as he leaned back to stand to his full height in the cavern.

“AM THE DARKITECT!” A Top Hat exploded from his head, crashing into the roof of the cave, making a red spotlight from the very convenient Harvest moon in the sky above.

His eyes turned red. His face turned black. The leering grin was now all too familiar to the ex-Nexus Forces.

Sara’s eyes snapped open, as she viewed this horrific nightmare for the first time…. She said….

“Cool. I’d like a Burger and Fries, please. Oh! And a soda. Gotta eat good before the end.” Sara sighed. “Aw, man. You interrupted my dream!”

-Sara died from heartbreak of Darth  Kevin The Menacing aka-aka-aka Dudeman™ interrupting her dream.

-Jellyfish had a heart attack and collapsed to the floor.

-Laura the Jellyfish got so scared, it turned into a mess of Jello next to Dr. Jellyfish.

-Stirling’s face went blank, even as he shouldered his shield and sword.

-Kalaren paled as he got into a fighting stance.

-Franklyn joined Jellyfish in having a heart attack, because he was at least 58,000 years old by now. He died.

-Peragrine’s eyes dialated to the size of dinner plates, before they alit with brilliant neon green fire, along with most of his exposed skin.

-Dobson and Dobson started a live infomercial on the spot about how they can fight for your case if you lose appendages.

Then the fight began, and our heros were already down 3 out of 9 people. 4 if you count the Jellyfish.

Stirling charged, silently, his eyes having lost all color. His face seemingly made of noble granite. Raising his bright Knight’s sword, he motioned the others to follow, pointing it at the Darkitect’s form.

Although dead, Sara began singing Lance the turtle.

https://youtu.be/ttRUTsZr81s?t=56

Kalaren pointed his sword at the Darkitect, running with inhumane speed (Granted by his sword), he jumped in tandem with Stirling.

Although dead, Dr. Jellyfish strummed his banjo.

Peragrine saw his friends charging towards the Darkitect. He felt his energy gushing out of him. Indeed. This would be the end. He leapt from his position, effectively flying to hit the darkitect with a bright green fist humming with more power than even he could comprehend.

Although dead, everyone else who was dead began doing the hula.

And as the three combatants flew at their adversary, Stirling in the middle, Kalaren on the right, and Peragrine on the left, the Darkitect snatched them in a gigantic fist and swallowed them whole like magic beans.

“Oh. That’s too bad,” Dobson said. “We don’t cover that.”

The Darkitect leaned down, scooped them up, and ate them too. Then he ate the other dead guys, hovered up out of the hole, and disappeared in a flash of smoke…

To reveal dear old Kevin walking out of the black smoke cloud, humming contentedly, as he walked away through the midnight plains of southern Morcia.

“Ooh, dude, my stomach doesn’t feel so good… Shouldn’t of had that last Chimichanga.”

~~The End~~

     

   

April Fools.