Scattered Ashes: The Lost Chapters

Non-canon chapters of Scattered Ashes go here:

@ 15th of July 2017, Sir Ninjago_Builders wrote:

Chapter x, Part Placeholder The Second

“Oh wow! This sandwich is great!” Drumr exclaimed.

Tied to a tree some distance away, Carson could only look on longingly and wish that he had a sandwich.

Carson was unhappy. For one, his name made him sound like he was the son of a car. For another, he was tied up 24/7, and he had a bad leg cramp from being in the same position for too long. Anyone would be unhappy in his situation. After all, it must be horrible to have a name like Carson.

To make his situation even worse, when Carson’s captors had tied him to a nearby tree, they had unknowingly tied him right above an anthill. But those weren’t just any old ants. And they weren’t just any young ants. They were fire ants.

Naturally, all the fire ants bit him for sitting on top of their ant hill. They didn’t seem to care that he couldn’t help his sitting there.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!!!” Carson muttered.

But then, things took a turn for the better! For nature is a double edged sword! Because it has two edges!!! You see, these ants weren’t any old ants. Or any young ants. They were fire ants! So, as the fire ants crawled over the ropes tying Carson to the tree, the ropes began smoldering! And then they caught on fire!!!

Taking advantage of this opportunity, Carson broke free of the weakened ropes and booked it out of there.

“Hah! I have escaped!” Carson enthusiastically exclaimed. But his enthusiasm died a bit as he realized that he had nowhere to go! He was an enemy of both thedude and KotOS.

“Well,” Carson said to himself. “Anything’s better than being a prisoner. Except for a desk job. Because when you have a desk job, you’re a prisoner to society.”

After wandering through the woods for a while, he noticed a plume of smoke rising through the treetops some distance away. Having nothing better to do, he went to check it out.

In a clearing in the woods was a bonfire around which over a hundred armor clad men were sitting. Five people with especially important looking armor were huddled together in discussion. Carson stayed at the outer edges of the clearing, hidden in the bushes, to avoid being seen, and listened to their discussion. The guy with the fanciest looking armor, who was presumably their leader, said to the rest

“So when Vladek’s forces march down this bend in the road, we’ll engage them. Then, while they’re distracted with our frontal assault, the light brigade and archers, who will have been hiding in the woods, will attack them from behind, and they will be completely surrounded.” He turned to one of the other guys who was part of the discussion and said “Henry! You’re in charge of the Light Brigade. Larry! You’re in charge of the archers. George! You will be among the frontal assault with me. Your job will be to assess when Vladek’s forces are the most distracted, and then signal the light brigade to attack when the time is right.”

“Uh, Sir Durman?” the man named George asked. “Will Vladek be with his men? Because I don’t think we’ll be able to defeat Vladek.

“Hah! Of course we could defeat him! My strategy is flawless! However, it just so happens that Vladek won’t be there. This is just a small convoy of his men who are carrying weapons and supplies to his main camp. We won’t have to worry about Vladek.”

George breathed a sigh of relief.

“Alrighty then! Now that we’ve decided on our course of action, I will inform the troops!”

The leader, Sir Durman stood up and dressed all the armor clad people around the bonfire.

“Attention soldiers! This will be a hard battle! But I know we will prevail! Our foot soldiers, along with our heavy brigade on horseback will begin the front assault on Vladek’s forces as soon as then reach the turn in the road here,” he unfurled a map and pointed to a bend in a road. They have us slightly outnumber, so you men will have to show the ultimate bravery! Then, while the troops are distracted, the light brigade will charge in from behind and attack them! And the archers will provide them cover! Remember archers: we are very low on supplies, including arrows. If this attack succeeds, then we will get more supplies from thedude. However, until then, you will have to make sure that every arrow takes down an enemy. Not a single arrow can be squandered! And for the Light Brigade: keep in mind that victory rests on your soldiers! We are depending on you to effectively flank the enemy and capture those supplies! We are the great No More thedude Group Army! We cannot be defeated!!! And we shall fight to the death if need be, because nothing is worse than being a prisoner!”

“Except for a desk job!” a soldier called out.

“Well of course; when you have a desk job, you’re a prisoner to society," Sir Durman responded.

Deciding that he should get as far away from the battlefield as possible before the fighting started, Carson began backing away from the encampment. But alas, the doubled-edged nature sword struck again! For Carson stepped upon a twig!

Over 100 heads swiveled to look straight at Carson.

“State your business! Why were you spying on us?!?!?” Sir Durman cried out.

“Erm, I, uh, I’m just a normal citizen who hates thedude just like you. You know, I was just hanging around here cause I was so impressed with your epic plan to defeat Vladek’s soldiers.” Carson gave what he hoped was a convincing smile.

“Oh. Is that so?” Sir Durman raised an eyebrow.

Carson kept smiling nervously.

“Well that’s great! We need every man we can get for the upcoming battle!” Sir Durman plopped a helmet onto Carson’s head and thrust a sword into his hand.

“You’ll join the foot soldiers participating in the frontal assault.”

Sir Durman roughly patted Carson on the back and motioned him toward the rest of the foot soldiers who were standing together.

One of the foot soldiers raised a hand in greeting.

“Hello new guy. I’m Jordon. I’m the leader of the foot soldiers. The casualties will be the greatest for us foot soldiers, but the glory will be the greatest as well! Let’s move out!”

Carson gulped.

~ ~ ~

Henry, Larry, and George were finalizing their plans for the epic flank by the archers and the light brigade.

“You ever thought about why it’s called the light brigade?” Henry inquired.

“Obviously because we fight for the light, against the dark forces of evil!” George answered promptly.

“Oh, I thought it was supposed to be kinda a contrast between the light brigade and the heavy brigade,” Larry commented.

“That’s quite offensive though. It’s a lot politer to refer to it as the weight challenged brigade,” Henry replied.

“Well, I must be off to join the foot soldiers and heavy brigade so that I can send you the signal from there,” George said.

“Wait! How will you give us the sign to attack Vladek’s troops?” Henry inquired.

“How about you shoot a flaming arrow into the sky, sorta like a flare, which will let us know that we should attack,” Lary suggested.

“No, that won’t do.” George said, shaking his head. “Sir Durman stated each arrow will have to take down an enemy. Not a single arrow can be squandered, you know!”

“Yes, of course,” Henry agreed, nodding knowingly.

“No, instead, I must send you The Sign of the Eagle!” George exclaimed.

“The Sign of the Eagle?! What is that?! How will we recognized it?!” Larry asked, awestruck by how epic The Sign of the Eagle sounded.

“The Sign of the Eagle will become apparent to you when the time is right,” George said sagely. “You will know it when you see it.”

~ ~ ~

A short while later…

The foot soldiers and heavy brigade had already engaged Vladek’s forces, and the battle was close. While Vladek’s forces had both superior numbers and superior skill, the No More thedude Group Army made up for it with their unmatched ferocity and bravery in battle. However, the No More thedude Group Army had not yet revealed their trump card! The light brigade and archers ready to flank Vladek’s forces!

Henry and Larry waited tentatively for the anticipated Sign of the Eagle. So far, they had not received it. Then, off in the distance in the middle of the battlefield, Larry spied George signaling them! George flapped his arms up and down, calling out “Ka-caw! Ka-caw!”

Larry’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “IT’S THE SIGN OF THE EAGLE!!! THAT MUST BE IT” he cried out excitedly.

Henry stroked his beard. “No, it can’t be,” he stated. “Eagles don’t make a “Ka-caw!” sound! They make a “Screech!” sound! And they don’t flap their wings! They glide majestically! Like so!” Henry held out his arms and glided majestically in circles while screeching at the top of his lungs.

“We must wait for the actual Sign of the Eagle,” Henry advised. “George must be making a crow signal right now to throw off Vladek’s forces, so that anyone who sees him will be confused!”

“You’re right!” Larry exclaimed. “How could have I been so blind?”

~ ~ ~

Needless to say, with neither the Light Brigade nor the archers responding when they were needed, the brave yet intellectually challenged No More thedude Group Army was defeated and captured by Vladek’s forces.

So, once again Carson was tied up, except this time, by the other side. At least he wasn't tied up alone. Sir Durman was tied up to his right, and Henry was tied up to his left.

“Henry!” Sir Durman cried out, clearly upset that his intricately crafted plan had failed. “Where was the Light Brigade?!?!?! What happened?!?!?!?!?”

“We never received the Sign of the Eagle, sir!”’

“...the what?”

“The Sign of the Eagle! It was the signal that George agreed to send to us when we should attack! But we never received it! We just received some crow signal.”

“You know, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But no matter, while we may not have won this battle, we earned glory and honor, which is a victory on its own! The foot soldiers and heavy brigade fought valiantly!”

“The...what?” Henry asked, scratching his head. “What’s the heavy brigade?”

Sir Durman looked at him in disbelief.

“Oh!” Henry exclaimed, as it dawned on him. “You must mean the Weight Challenged Brigade!”

~ ~ ~

Carson was extremely nervous. While nothing was worse than being a prisoner, this was ESPECIALLY true for being a prisoner of thedude. If you weren’t experimented on, you were sent to a labor camp. Carson didn’t look forward to either option.

Fortunately for him, he just so happened to be sitting on top of another fire ant hill! But unfortunately for him, everyone was tied up with chains instead of ropes. So the fire ants just caused him needless suffering and didn't help him escape at all.

Then the wind shifted.

It was a small shift.

It wasn’t even consciously noticeable.

But it caused everyone to shiver a bit and look around to see what was up with that.

Then, everyone heard a faint whirring, and a steady “whoosh whoosh whoosh” like something was turning in the air. The whirring grew louder, and the steady “whoosh whoosh whoosh” did as well. The whirring and the whooshing seemed to pass right over Carson’s head! And then Carson saw a Wormholer spin through the air above him and smash the Guard nearest to him. There was a moment of shocked silence as both prisoners and guards tried to register what had happened. And then suddenly there was tons of whooshing all directions as a barrage of spinning Wormholers whirled through the air! Carson squinted in the direction from which the spinning Wormholers were coming from, and saw a hooded figure dashed in and out of the shadows, throwing Worholers at Vladek’s forces whenever he appeared! But the guards were ready for the attack this time, and most of Vladek’s forces narrowly avoided the whirring sawblades. However, not all of the Wormholers were aimed for the guards. Some of them sliced through the chains of the imprisoned soldiers, freeing them. Despite being weaponless, the now free No More thedude Group Army soldiers attacked the armed guards with their bare fists. Now that the freed prisoners had joined the fray, the hooded figure was unable to continue throwing Wormholers lest he hit one of the No More thedude Group Army soldiers, so instead he leapt up on top a supply wagon to give a motivational speech.

“Fight for your freedom!” the hooded man called out in deep, raspy voice. “We cannot let thedude’s tyrannical rule continue any longer! Fight to the death if you must, for there is nothing worse than a desk job!”

“Except for a desk j--oh, um, I thought you were going to say something else." The soldier who had shouted this looked at the ground sheepishly.

Through the power of bravery, ferocity, and Wormholers spinning through the air slicing enemies in half, the rebel soldiers were victorious.

“That was epic!” George exclaimed.

“Yes, I am,” the mysterious cloaked figure replied in his deep and raspy voice.

“Why is your voice so raspy?” Sir Durman asked.

“I must disguise my normal voice with this epic voice in order to preserve my secret identity.”

“Who are you?” Larry asked, awestruck.

“I’m am… Serious Man! ‘Cause I kick serious brick!!!”

With that, Serious Man threw a smoke grenade onto the ground and disappeared.

“Remember,” the epic, raspy voice called out from the darkness. “You either die a Hero or live long enough to see yourself get a desk job.”

That weird, hooded, Wormholer-throwing guy reminded Carson of something; he just couldn’t figure out exactly what. And wasn’t going to stick around to find out.