Out of Left Field

Out of Left Field

Written by Jonna on 9-16-17

Lord Barney woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. It was playing his theme song, just like it did every morning.

Barney got up happily, humming along. He did all of his morning chores with cheerful diligence and checked them off of his Chore Chart.

“I made my bed… check! I brushed all my teeth, flossed and used my dinosaur mouthwash… check! Oh goody goody goody!” He checked off the rest of his morning chores, elated by his own discipline. “Now let’s see what’s on my calendar!”

All of the IMPORTANT days were on his calendar. He took a look at them to see if anything special was happening today.

“Of course, every day is special!” he giggled.

Then he gasped. Indeed, today was more special than the average special day! For today was his best friend in the whole world’s birthday! Today, His Grand Magnificent Highness thedude the Totally Radical was turning the respectable, illustrious age of forty!

“Oh boy oh boy! The big four-oh!” Barney fairly squealed with delight. This was a huge milestone birthday- the perfect chance to show his best friend how much he cared!

“I’ll throw a party! There’ll be cake, (but not too much so that our teeth don’t get sick) and balloons (but only small balloons so no one floats away) and I’ll get… the perfect gift! (But not quite too perfect so that next year I can get something even better!) Hooray!” He rushed out of his room to get started.

+++

The first thing Barney did was to instruct his personal assistant, Soandso, to get all the party supplies and invitations set up and squared away. The first thing Soandso did was to instruct HIS personal assistant to get all the party supplies and invitations set up and squared away. The first thing that assistant did was tell HER assistant to get the all the party supplies and invitations set up and squared away. The first thing that assistant did was to instruct his coworker Carson Flemming to do it all.

“WHAT.” Carson barked.

“Come on man, you owe me a favor. Please? This is like the worst job ever,” Barney’s assistant Soandso’s assistant’s assistant begged.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! I’m not going to stand around blowing up balloons like a moron all day!”

“Dude. Remember the time I helped you with the denture incident?”

Carson grimaced. Everything in his bones screamed against this. “Fine! This makes us even, okay?”

“Sweet! Thanks, buddy.”

“I’m NOT your buddy!” Carson snarled at Barney’s assistant Soandso’s assistant’s assistant.

Smoke was practically pouring out of Carson’s ears as he walked into the party store. He bought lots of thedude-themed balloons- already blown up of course- blue and white streamers, and a whole lot of party hats. He frowned, remembering the days when party hats were pointy cones instead of the red baseball caps they were now. Party hats were stupid either way, he thought. In addition, the store was having a promo that week, so he also got three pairs of licensed, authentic thedude overalls for free.

After he got all of this and plenty of other birthday party materials, he brought it all back to the palace. Lord Barney told him which room to set things up in, and he got to work. Lots of other servants came and helped, all having been redirected from their usual jobs by Barney. Finally, all was ready.

Barney told everyone to hide as Vladek went to tell thedude that there was a surprise for him. When Vladek, trying to hide the pained look on his face, finally led thedude in, everyone was ready.

“SURPRISE!!!!!” everyone exclaimed at a cue from Barney. Carson blew into a party-blower, a deadpan expression on his face.

“u shoodnt hav” thedude said.

Barney came shuffling over, leaning back and forth as he walked, presumably because his head is so heavy. On top of his head was the additional weight of a red baseball cap party hat. “Happy Birthday, friend! Now it’s time for me to sing you the birthday song!!!”

A few of the servants made a break for it right then and there. Others held out until the second line of the song. A stalwart (or deaf) few stayed, smiling blandly and clapping along, Carson among them. He waved the party-blower in tune to the song, eyes staring straight ahead in rage. As much as he hated this, he really didn’t want this favor hanging over his head anymore.

“Now it is time for presents!” Barney announced. “I got you one that is just super-dee-duper!” The dinosaur presented a large box to thedude. thedude reached for it, pulled off the lid…

and a puppy jumped out!

“Arf!” it said, wagging its tail. Its tongue hung out, slightly retracting every time it took in a breath, and its huge brown eyes seemed to embrace the world in soft dog sort of way.

“o noes” thedude said, “ai am alirgik 2 dawgs”

At that point, even Vladek bailed. No way was he going to take the fall for this. Now only Carson, thedude and Barney were left. Barney was blissfully ignorant of thedude’s pain.

“Don’t worry! I read somewhere that spending time with dogs will make the allergies less effective! Reading is such a great way to learn!”

“u do nawt undrstahnd. ai am going to feel ahwful beecauze ov it!”

“Puppies make everything better!”

“dats not haow alirgees wrk” thedude fumed.

It was hopeless. The puppy started running all about, whining, sniffing, licking its lips and barking happily. Barney chuckled, overjoyed with his own generosity. thedude’s eyes began tearing up and he sneezed. Carson felt like kicking the puppy out of a window. A very, very high window. Alas for him, things were about to get worse.

Thedude pointed at Carson. “yous” he ordered “u r in charge ov dis pupy naow”

A slow, wan smile of horror grew over Carson’s face.

“As you wish,” he managed to strain, teeth clenched so hard his veins were popping.

Barney was waddling towards the cake, still obliviously joyous. thedude went to go get some tissues. And Carson was left with the dog, who scampered right up to him.

It sat down and tilted its head, moving its ears towards him, then backwards, then seemed to flick them in all directions like twin haywire satellites taking everything in. It was unspeakably adorable.

Carson Flemming was immune to adorable. He had spent a lot of time building up an innate resistance to adorable by watching endless cat videos and hitting the dislike button for each one. Now, his heart was so callused to anything even remotely cute, that resisting this puppy was effortless.

Nearly.

Sort of.

You know, it just wouldn’t stop wagging its tail.

NO! Carson thought with a steely resolution. I will not get sucked into thinking this puppy is cute! He firmly picked up the puppy and brought it to one of the many spare rooms. He put the puppy bed, the food dish, the water dish and the many puppy toys into the room. Barney had really outdone himself when it came to this stuff; it was a veritable wonderland for the puppy.

Carson looked down to find the puppy chewing on his shoe… while it was still attached to his foot.

“This is going to be a very long day,” he said, grinding his teeth.

+++

Time passed and the puppy grew up into a dog, as puppies are prone to do. Barney visited her every day, making sure she was well taken care of. As for thedude, he mostly tried to stay as far away as possible. Carson also tried to stay away, but it was hard when all the other coworkers were constantly doting on the dog. She was sweet and friendly and loved all the attention. She also had a mischievous streak- several pairs of slippers went missing all around the palace since she arrived, all never to be seen again. Carson knew it was her, although he never found where she buried them and so couldn’t prove it. Eventually, the dog was granted a royal status and her own title. Lulu, the Royal Canine of thedude’s Palace. Barney assigned the title. He had originally wanted it to be “Lulu, the Royal Canine of thedude” but thedude had disagreed on account of the allergies.

Technically, Lulu now outranked Lord Vladek in royal status, a fact which he abhorred and did his best to ignore at all times. Not that it mattered- Lulu only wanted to play most of the time. Which she did. Except for that time she saved King thedude's life, but that's another story.