A Hallowe'en Mystery

“wutz awl dis?” thedude exclaimed angrily.

“Erm, well, uh…” the captain of the guards stuttered. He gestured helplessly at the spectacle which incited the dude's wrath.

Every one of the Red Mythrans assigned to guarding thedude’s castle had left their posts. They had grouped up into a sphere, floating about a quarter mile above the castle, and were all focusing on projecting a red forcefield around their sphere of mythrans. Every single one of them was completely motionless.

“yu rad mitrens yu git bak to yoor powsts! i neever sed yu kud stahp garding meh!”

Every single one of them remained completely motionless.

“noos wa dunt dey liten tu meh!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!??!????!?!?!!!!? dey hev nevar disubayed meh bifor!!!!!!!!!?!!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

thedude stamped his foot on the ground again and again in anger.

“Erm, lord thedude, we’ve been receiving reports that the Red Mythrans at every one of our outposts are acting the same way; they’ve all gathered in a sphere floating a considerable distance off the ground, and are projecting a forcefield around them.”

“naw dat i thinc abowt id, de rad mitrens hev ben akting strengli. dey did nat alweys obay meh emedatly ahd i hed to ahsk tweyce. lahrd tehdude shud neveh hev te ahsk tweyce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.”

He stamped his foot some more.

“Sir great lord thedude, the men are growing uneasy. Rumors are circulating that the Red Mythrans sense danger.”

“weel too bahd! mahk dem wurk dubl tiem te replece teh mytrens unteel te mitrans goes bahk te narml!”

“Right away lord thedude!”

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

“Hey, uh, sergeant? What’s up with our Red Mythran? It’s just been floating in the air above the middle of the camp projecting a force field around itself,” said a Paradox Rogue newbie.

“That’s strange; I’ll call HQ about it.”

The sergeant picked up the phone at his desk, punched in the number, and put it to his ear.

“Bwooooooooop. Bwooooooooop. Bwooooooooop. You have reached the Red Mythran tech support. All of our representatives are busy with other calls right now. Please remain on hold until one of our representatives can help you; there are (at this point the voice switched from the prerecorded message to a robotic number text-reader voice) 973 (the voice switched back) people on hold ahead of you.”

The captain put down the phone and looked at the newbie with his most serious face.

“We’re on our own now.”

~ ~ ~

The sergeant, the newbie, and all the other Paradox Rogues of the small rogue outpost gathered to look at the solitary Red Mythran hovering above the center of the camp.

“Aw man! Not only does HQ only send us one Red Mythran, but they send us a faulty one to boot! Look at him! He’s not even doing anything!” cried out the newbie.

An old, senior Paradox Rogue hobbled up behind the newbie.

“You know, it is rumored that the Red Mythrans instinctively sense danger. However, this has never been proven, since never before has there been anything powerful enough to pose a threat to a Red Mythran.”

Murmurs passed throughout all the Paradox Rogues as the senior rogue said this.

“What could be dangerous enough to make a Red Mythran act this way?” “What should we do?” “Do you think we’re safe?” “Are we out of coffee?” “Did you check the cupboard?” “Yeah, but the cupboard was nine-headed-man-eating-sheep bare.” “I like coffee.”

“STOP TALKING ABOUT COFFEE!!!!’ The sergeant roared.

Everyone stopped talking about coffee. In fact, talking stopped completely. Whether that was because no one was talking about anything besides coffee, or because they were intimidated by the sergeant’s yelling, we will never know.

“Everyone back to work! If we don’t have the Red Mythran to help out, well then that just means we’ll have to work double time!”

Grumbling passed throughout all the Paradox Rogues.

“Aw man.” “Double time?!?! As in, double the normal amount of time?!?!?!” “I just checked the cupboard, there's no coffee at all!” “But the cupboard was full just yesterday!” “I like coffee.”

“STOP TALKING ABOUT COFFEE!!!!’

This time everyone stopped talking, except for one rogue who kept talking about doughnuts.

“AND DOUGHNUTS!!!!” the sergeant roared.

Everyone stopped talking.

Everything went okay. As okay as things can go when you’re forced to work double time, which is double the normal amount of time.

Until…

“Hey look! It looks like our RM is shaking!” He pointed to the Red Mythran floating above the middle of the camp.

“You’re right! It’s trembling for some reason!!!” “It must be out of fear!” “Who knows how long it’s been floating up there, where there’s no coffee.” “I like coffee.”

As it turns out, the Red Mythran was not trembling due to coffee deprivation. It was trembling due to its instinctual sense of danger.

Suddenly, there was a loud crackle as a dark line cut the Red Mythran’s red forcefield in half. The Red Mythran flashed out of view for less than a second, as if a shadow had passed in front of it, and then its body fell limp to the ground.

All across Militiregnum, Red Mythrans were turning up dead. The Red Mythrans gathered in large numbers, such as those over thedude’s castle, passed an uneventful knight. However, small groups of Mythrans, and lone Red Mythrans assigned to the more remote Paradox Rogue outposts, were completely dead. Totally dead. Yet there wasn’t a single mark on them.

“noes!!!!!!! dis cahnt beh hapensing! Nohs! nooooooohs!!!”

“It’s pronounced ‘noo,’ master. Same pronunciation as ‘moo.’”

“awr yus quesshuning mehs?” the dude exclaimed, flabbergasted by Lord Vladek’s insubordination.

“No, of course not great lord.”

thedude smiled. “dahts wat i thot.”

“Wheel, hoapfulee teh mytrens stahp daihing bah tewmoro. daht wud bes nyse.”

The Red Mythrans didn’t stop dying.

“anee tahm naw, yoos cahn stahp daihing!!!” thedude yelled angrily at the cluster of Red Mythrans hovering above his castle. “eets ben deys an yus haf naht stawped dahing! i ordar yu tu stahp!”

The Red Mythrans did not reply. Frustrated, thedude called for his adviser.

“vledik! i neads yor advais!”

No one answered.

“vledik! wer ar yu?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!?!?!?!????!?!?!?!!!!!!” thedude screached.

~ ~ ~

“I don’t know what to make of it, Sir! There’s not a mark on the Red Mythran’s body at all!” the sergeant said, gesturing to the body of the deceased Red Mythran.

"It ain’t easy for us, me and my men, out here at this remote outpost with just a single Red Mythran to help us keep order. I don’t know what we’ll do without our RM!”

“Just tell me what occurred 2 nights ago,” Vladek demanded.

“Well me and my men, we were just minding our own business, working double time (that’s double the normal amount of time, you know).”

“Yes, yes, I know” Vladek snapped impatiently.

“My men, they’re good men. Sure, they can get distracted with coffee sometimes, but other than that, they’re always focused on the job."

Vladek raised an eyebrow.

“Coffee you say? Hmm…” He turned away, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"Yes Sir," the Sergeant affirmed. "Why, there was this one soldier who was nonstop mentioning how he loved coffee.”

Vladek nodded thoughtfully. Then he turned back toward the sergeant. “Do you think I could talk to this soldier?”

“Of course sir!” the sergeant blew his whistle, and all the Paradox Rogues stationed at that outpost lined up.

“That’s all of them?” Vladek inquired.

“Yes sir,” the sergeant replied.

“Which one of you,” Vladek said, turning toward the Paradox Rogues lined up, “Is the one who repeatedly declared his love of coffee?”

No one stepped forward.

Vladek rubbed his chin some more. He turned to the sergeant.

“Could show me exactly where the Red Mythran body was found?’

“Of course Sir!”

The sergeant exited the tent and hurried over to the ground at the center of the camp. Vladek strode, purposefully yet not hastily, just behind.

“It was right here where the Red Mythran’s body fell after it was killed,” the sergeant explained.

Vladek kneeled down and inspected the dry dirt of the ground. There were some dark black granules mixed in with the dirt. He grabbed some between his thumb and pointer finger and rubbed those fingers together, feeling the granules.

Vladek pulled out a map quickly, and pointed to some woods marked on it.

“We are nearby the black coffee magic woods, are we not?” Vladek inquired.

“Yes sir, but we don’t dare go near those! Those woods are haunted! It is said that the woods themselves want to smash you! It’s a pity, though, it’s rumored that at the center of the woods are the greatest tasting coffee trees in existence!”

“Thank you. You served your purpose,” Vladek replied curtly.

Vladek strode off.

~ ~ ~

After a few hours of walking, Vladek reached his destination, and the sun was low on the horizon. Vladek was at the black coffee magic woods. He entered the woods. It was strangely dark, darker than it should have been, even in woods. Despite the darkness, the light from the setting sun struggled through the trees and made it into the forest as a dim, blood red glow.

Suddenly, a loud cracking noise filled the air as a large tree fell down toward Vladek! Unfazed, Vladek sliced his sword in front of him in an overhead motion, splitting the tree in half, leaving Vladek unscathed.

As Vladek pushed further into the woods, the sun finally set completely. A chilling fog enveloped Vladek. He stopped walking.

“Show yourself!” He called out into the fog.

A dark form appeared. It’s head, and its twisted limbs were completely hidden by a ragged grey cloak. Whether he was standing or floating was uncertain, as his lower torse was hidden by the ragged cloak as well. Ice formed on the ground around the figure, and the air itself seemed to freeze whenever he exhaled a raspy breath.

“Here,” the form spoke in a hollow, cold, reverberating voice. “you come to die.”

Vladek raised an eyebrow.

“All of you must die. The red beings; I can sense their immense power. They are unnatural, and must be destroyed. When the those red beings approached my woods, I sensed their power, and they awoke me from my slumber. They must die. They all must die. I can sense your power too; how convenient that you came straight to me to be destroyed. You were foolish to face me on tonight of all nights, on Halloween night when my power is the strongest! Now, you die.”

The form let out an ear splitting screech, and faster than humanly possible, it's arm, flashed from hanging limply at its side to being outstretched straight at Vladek. It's now outstretched hand was now made visible. A twisted finger covered in grey skin was pointed straight at Vladek. Suddenly, the form’s body lurched forward toward Vladek, which its arm and finger still outstretched. As the form reached Vladek, Vladek blocked the form’s finger with his metal glove. Tendrils of ice spread across the glove from where the form had touched it, but they did not spread beyond the glove.

“But...how?” the form questioned, shocked.

Vladek smirked.

“I knew I would be facing against a pigeon. Even a simpleton could have figured it out. You were careless; not even a challenge, I would say.”

“NO!” The pigeon screeched. The pigeon backed up from Vladek, outstretched both its hands toward him, and unleashed a wave of frost.

Vladek swiped his sword, and the frost dissipated.

“But how?”

“Very few remain alive who are knowledgeable about the creatures of Militiregnum. Why, there are probably no more than 5 people left alive who even know of Militiregnum pigeons. but for those of us who do know, why, it is common knowledge that the pigeons must consume power, and, if unable to consume power, then they must consume coffee in its stead. It was no difficulty figuring out that you resided here in the Black Coffee Magic woods.”

“It’s not fair!” the pigeon lamented. “I came to these woods based on the promise that at their center were the best tasting coffee trees in the universe. Well, they were right. The trees taste amazing but the coffee is terrible!” the pigeon burst into tears. “the coffee is terrible! *sob*”

“Pathetic,” Vladek spat.

The pigeon screeched in anger, and repeatedly shot blasts of frost from its hands at Vladek. Vladek deftly sidestepped and dodged each one.

“I also know that you got past the Paradox Rogue’s guards by posing as one of them.”

“What!” the pigeon gasped. “But how could you know! My disguise was foolproof! They too like coffee, so all I had to do was repeat over and over again about how I loved coffee, and it would make me relatable and inconspicuous!”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. Your repeated statements about your love of coffee only made you appear weird and self-absorbed.

“No, no, no, it can’t be! Nooooooooo!” The pigeon sank to its knees, helpless.

“You pronounce noo correctly; I respect that,” Vladek stated as he delivered the final blow and the pigeon dissolved into dust.

~ ~ ~

“velik, wer hav yu ben?!?!!?!?!1!??!?!!??!?!?!?!!!!!??!?!???!?!?!?? yew fahled, i neded yos advays, baht yu wer naht ther! lukily, ah sucedewd ba ordaring teh rad mitrens to stahp dahing, an dey stahped dahing ahs i sed.”

“You truely are increadible, Lord thedude,” Vladek replied.

~ ~ ~

“That’s why you shouldn’t drink coffee because it stunts your growth.”

The children looked at him awestruck. It had never occurred to them that popular adult sayings such as “coffee stunts your growth” could have such epic backstories.

“Oh yeah, also these events occurred on Halloween, so there’s that too,” the man added.

“Will you tell us why television is bad for our eyes, too?” asked one of them.

The man laughed. “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Perhaps another dark and stormy night! It’s too late now! You need to go to bed now!”

And while the future dark knights ran to their castle rooms disappointed, the storyteller watched the soft glow towns burning off in the distance. And Lord Vladek sighed in remembrance of better times.