Scattered Ashes: The Lost Chapters

Non-canon chapters of Scattered Ashes go here:

Scattered Ashes: The Lost Chapters

@ 15th of July 2017, Sir Ninjago_Builders wrote:

Chapter x, Part Placeholder The Second

“Oh wow! This sandwich is great!” Drumr exclaimed.

Tied to a tree some distance away, Carson could only look on longingly and wish that he had a sandwich.

Carson was unhappy. For one, his name made him sound like he was the son of a car. For another, he was tied up 24/7, and he had a bad leg cramp from being in the same position for too long. Anyone would be unhappy in his situation. After all, it must be horrible to have a name like Carson.

To make his situation even worse, when Carson’s captors had tied him to a nearby tree, they had unknowingly tied him right above an anthill. But those weren’t just any old ants. And they weren’t just any young ants. They were fire ants.

Naturally, all the fire ants bit him for sitting on top of their ant hill. They didn’t seem to care that he couldn’t help his sitting there.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!!!” Carson muttered.

But then, things took a turn for the better! For nature is a double edged sword! Because it has two edges!!! You see, these ants weren’t any old ants. Or any young ants. They were fire ants! So, as the fire ants crawled over the ropes tying Carson to the tree, the ropes began smoldering! And then they caught on fire!!!

Taking advantage of this opportunity, Carson broke free of the weakened ropes and booked it out of there.

“Hah! I have escaped!” Carson enthusiastically exclaimed. But his enthusiasm died a bit as he realized that he had nowhere to go! He was an enemy of both thedude and KotOS.

“Well,” Carson said to himself. “Anything’s better than being a prisoner. Except for a desk job. Because when you have a desk job, you’re a prisoner to society.”

After wandering through the woods for a while, he noticed a plume of smoke rising through the treetops some distance away. Having nothing better to do, he went to check it out.

In a clearing in the woods was a bonfire around which over a hundred armor clad men were sitting. Five people with especially important looking armor were huddled together in discussion. Carson stayed at the outer edges of the clearing, hidden in the bushes, to avoid being seen, and listened to their discussion. The guy with the fanciest looking armor, who was presumably their leader, said to the rest

“So when Vladek’s forces march down this bend in the road, we’ll engage them. Then, while they’re distracted with our frontal assault, the light brigade and archers, who will have been hiding in the woods, will attack them from behind, and they will be completely surrounded.” He turned to one of the other guys who was part of the discussion and said “Henry! You’re in charge of the Light Brigade. Larry! You’re in charge of the archers. George! You will be among the frontal assault with me. Your job will be to assess when Vladek’s forces are the most distracted, and then signal the light brigade to attack when the time is right.”

“Uh, Sir Durman?” the man named George asked. “Will Vladek be with his men? Because I don’t think we’ll be able to defeat Vladek.

“Hah! Of course we could defeat him! My strategy is flawless! However, it just so happens that Vladek won’t be there. This is just a small convoy of his men who are carrying weapons and supplies to his main camp. We won’t have to worry about Vladek.”

George breathed a sigh of relief.

“Alrighty then! Now that we’ve decided on our course of action, I will inform the troops!”

The leader, Sir Durman stood up and dressed all the armor clad people around the bonfire.

“Attention soldiers! This will be a hard battle! But I know we will prevail! Our foot soldiers, along with our heavy brigade on horseback will begin the front assault on Vladek’s forces as soon as then reach the turn in the road here,” he unfurled a map and pointed to a bend in a road. They have us slightly outnumber, so you men will have to show the ultimate bravery! Then, while the troops are distracted, the light brigade will charge in from behind and attack them! And the archers will provide them cover! Remember archers: we are very low on supplies, including arrows. If this attack succeeds, then we will get more supplies from thedude. However, until then, you will have to make sure that every arrow takes down an enemy. Not a single arrow can be squandered! And for the Light Brigade: keep in mind that victory rests on your soldiers! We are depending on you to effectively flank the enemy and capture those supplies! We are the great No More thedude Group Army! We cannot be defeated!!! And we shall fight to the death if need be, because nothing is worse than being a prisoner!”

“Except for a desk job!” a soldier called out.

“Well of course; when you have a desk job, you’re a prisoner to society," Sir Durman responded.

Deciding that he should get as far away from the battlefield as possible before the fighting started, Carson began backing away from the encampment. But alas, the doubled-edged nature sword struck again! For Carson stepped upon a twig!

Over 100 heads swiveled to look straight at Carson.

“State your business! Why were you spying on us?!?!?” Sir Durman cried out.

“Erm, I, uh, I’m just a normal citizen who hates thedude just like you. You know, I was just hanging around here cause I was so impressed with your epic plan to defeat Vladek’s soldiers.” Carson gave what he hoped was a convincing smile.

“Oh. Is that so?” Sir Durman raised an eyebrow.

Carson kept smiling nervously.

“Well that’s great! We need every man we can get for the upcoming battle!” Sir Durman plopped a helmet onto Carson’s head and thrust a sword into his hand.

“You’ll join the foot soldiers participating in the frontal assault.”

Sir Durman roughly patted Carson on the back and motioned him toward the rest of the foot soldiers who were standing together.

One of the foot soldiers raised a hand in greeting.

“Hello new guy. I’m Jordon. I’m the leader of the foot soldiers. The casualties will be the greatest for us foot soldiers, but the glory will be the greatest as well! Let’s move out!”

Carson gulped.

~ ~ ~

Henry, Larry, and George were finalizing their plans for the epic flank by the archers and the light brigade.

“You ever thought about why it’s called the light brigade?” Henry inquired.

“Obviously because we fight for the light, against the dark forces of evil!” George answered promptly.

“Oh, I thought it was supposed to be kinda a contrast between the light brigade and the heavy brigade,” Larry commented.

“That’s quite offensive though. It’s a lot politer to refer to it as the weight challenged brigade,” Henry replied.

“Well, I must be off to join the foot soldiers and heavy brigade so that I can send you the signal from there,” George said.

“Wait! How will you give us the sign to attack Vladek’s troops?” Henry inquired.

“How about you shoot a flaming arrow into the sky, sorta like a flare, which will let us know that we should attack,” Lary suggested.

“No, that won’t do.” George said, shaking his head. “Sir Durman stated each arrow will have to take down an enemy. Not a single arrow can be squandered, you know!”

“Yes, of course,” Henry agreed, nodding knowingly.

“No, instead, I must send you The Sign of the Eagle!” George exclaimed.

“The Sign of the Eagle?! What is that?! How will we recognized it?!” Larry asked, awestruck by how epic The Sign of the Eagle sounded.

“The Sign of the Eagle will become apparent to you when the time is right,” George said sagely. “You will know it when you see it.”

~ ~ ~

A short while later…

The foot soldiers and heavy brigade had already engaged Vladek’s forces, and the battle was close. While Vladek’s forces had both superior numbers and superior skill, the No More thedude Group Army made up for it with their unmatched ferocity and bravery in battle. However, the No More thedude Group Army had not yet revealed their trump card! The light brigade and archers ready to flank Vladek’s forces!

Henry and Larry waited tentatively for the anticipated Sign of the Eagle. So far, they had not received it. Then, off in the distance in the middle of the battlefield, Larry spied George signaling them! George flapped his arms up and down, calling out “Ka-caw! Ka-caw!”

Larry’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “IT’S THE SIGN OF THE EAGLE!!! THAT MUST BE IT” he cried out excitedly.

Henry stroked his beard. “No, it can’t be,” he stated. “Eagles don’t make a “Ka-caw!” sound! They make a “Screech!” sound! And they don’t flap their wings! They glide majestically! Like so!” Henry held out his arms and glided majestically in circles while screeching at the top of his lungs.

“We must wait for the actual Sign of the Eagle,” Henry advised. “George must be making a crow signal right now to throw off Vladek’s forces, so that anyone who sees him will be confused!”

“You’re right!” Larry exclaimed. “How could have I been so blind?”

~ ~ ~

Needless to say, with neither the Light Brigade nor the archers responding when they were needed, the brave yet intellectually challenged No More thedude Group Army was defeated and captured by Vladek’s forces.

So, once again Carson was tied up, except this time, by the other side. At least he wasn't tied up alone. Sir Durman was tied up to his right, and Henry was tied up to his left.

“Henry!” Sir Durman cried out, clearly upset that his intricately crafted plan had failed. “Where was the Light Brigade?!?!?! What happened?!?!?!?!?”

“We never received the Sign of the Eagle, sir!”’

“...the what?”

“The Sign of the Eagle! It was the signal that George agreed to send to us when we should attack! But we never received it! We just received some crow signal.”

“You know, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But no matter, while we may not have won this battle, we earned glory and honor, which is a victory on its own! The foot soldiers and heavy brigade fought valiantly!”

“The...what?” Henry asked, scratching his head. “What’s the heavy brigade?”

Sir Durman looked at him in disbelief.

“Oh!” Henry exclaimed, as it dawned on him. “You must mean the Weight Challenged Brigade!”

~ ~ ~

Carson was extremely nervous. While nothing was worse than being a prisoner, this was ESPECIALLY true for being a prisoner of thedude. If you weren’t experimented on, you were sent to a labor camp. Carson didn’t look forward to either option.

Fortunately for him, he just so happened to be sitting on top of another fire ant hill! But unfortunately for him, everyone was tied up with chains instead of ropes. So the fire ants just caused him needless suffering and didn't help him escape at all.

Then the wind shifted.

It was a small shift.

It wasn’t even consciously noticeable.

But it caused everyone to shiver a bit and look around to see what was up with that.

Then, everyone heard a faint whirring, and a steady “whoosh whoosh whoosh” like something was turning in the air. The whirring grew louder, and the steady “whoosh whoosh whoosh” did as well. The whirring and the whooshing seemed to pass right over Carson’s head! And then Carson saw a Wormholer spin through the air above him and smash the Guard nearest to him. There was a moment of shocked silence as both prisoners and guards tried to register what had happened. And then suddenly there was tons of whooshing all directions as a barrage of spinning Wormholers whirled through the air! Carson squinted in the direction from which the spinning Wormholers were coming from, and saw a hooded figure dashed in and out of the shadows, throwing Worholers at Vladek’s forces whenever he appeared! But the guards were ready for the attack this time, and most of Vladek’s forces narrowly avoided the whirring sawblades. However, not all of the Wormholers were aimed for the guards. Some of them sliced through the chains of the imprisoned soldiers, freeing them. Despite being weaponless, the now free No More thedude Group Army soldiers attacked the armed guards with their bare fists. Now that the freed prisoners had joined the fray, the hooded figure was unable to continue throwing Wormholers lest he hit one of the No More thedude Group Army soldiers, so instead he leapt up on top a supply wagon to give a motivational speech.

“Fight for your freedom!” the hooded man called out in deep, raspy voice. “We cannot let thedude’s tyrannical rule continue any longer! Fight to the death if you must, for there is nothing worse than a desk job!”

“Except for a desk j--oh, um, I thought you were going to say something else." The soldier who had shouted this looked at the ground sheepishly.

Through the power of bravery, ferocity, and Wormholers spinning through the air slicing enemies in half, the rebel soldiers were victorious.

“That was epic!” George exclaimed.

“Yes, I am,” the mysterious cloaked figure replied in his deep and raspy voice.

“Why is your voice so raspy?” Sir Durman asked.

“I must disguise my normal voice with this epic voice in order to preserve my secret identity.”

“Who are you?” Larry asked, awestruck.

“I’m am… Serious Man! ‘Cause I kick serious brick!!!”

With that, Serious Man threw a smoke grenade onto the ground and disappeared.

“Remember,” the epic, raspy voice called out from the darkness. “You either die a Hero or live long enough to see yourself get a desk job.”

That weird, hooded, Wormholer-throwing guy reminded Carson of something; he just couldn’t figure out exactly what. And wasn’t going to stick around to find out.

fffffplayer1's 2018's April Fool's Joke:

@ ‎42-42-4242 Sir fffffplayer1  wrote:

Chapter XXXVII, Part II

By night a storm was already brewing. Everyone was surprised as the weather had been fine up until then. Would the rain pause their plans for fighting the establishment next day? That'd be too bad. They were all looking forward to that. Still, they were grateful to have a roof over their heads when the water started pounding on it. Even if they had to sleep in shared mattresses on the floor. They were a bunch used to hardship after all and they'd been through worse. Despite all that hardship training, though, they still only had a bag of chips and a banana each for supper. Cold, hungry and with hard mattresses on their backs (or chests; or sides, depending how they slept), they were not extremely comfortable.

Peragrine Wanderthistle felt that more so than the others. He had trouble sleeping. The storm was getting stronger outside. He swirled around trying to find the best way to utilise his thin blanket. Drumr, fast asleep next to him, didn't notice anything. As Peragrine ended up on his side at some point, he noticed a little screen on the sleeve of Tain's gear -placed near Tain himself. With a soft red light, the digital watch indicated the time, telling Peragrine it was almost eleven. From his uncomfortable position, Peragrine could look at the device and watch his birthday approach. He wondered whether the Knights would remember that tomorrow he turned thirty-eight. And where would Stirling be now?

Five more minutes to twelve. Was it his imagination when he heard something outside creak? He hoped that no one intended to open wide holes into the walls to break in, because then he'd be even colder. Four minutes to midnight... Maybe at this moment Stirling was looking for him somewhere and they would meet on the way to Orlan...

Three more minutes... That noise outside, was it a rock falling down the steep cliffs of the mountain? And (two more minutes...) what was this odd sound? Was the rock causing a landslide on the mountain side?

One more minute... and then Perry would turn thirty-eight! Thirty seconds... twenty... ten... nine... maybe it was worth it to wake up Tain just to see the expression on his face... three... two... one...

BOOM!

The whole hut was shaken strongly and Peragrine stood up terrified, his eyes fixed on the door. Someone was outside to get in...

Boom! The knock on the door sounded again and Drumr shot up scared. "Are they shooting cannon balls at us?" he asked.

There was a sound behind them and one of the Thingguys rushed to the door. He was holding a sword in his hands.

"Who is it?" he yelled. "Whoever it is, I warn you: I'm armed!"

A short silence followed. Then... CRAAACK!

The door of the hut was knocked with so much force from outside that it was unhinged from the wall and fell on the floor with a terrible sound.

A truly stylish man was standing in the opening. A good part of his face was hidden by his unruly long silver hair and beard, but his eyes stood out as they burned with a passionate fire.

The man entered the hut with some difficulty. He had to stoop; his pointy blue hat was in danger of getting knocked out of his head. Subsequently, he snapped his fingers and the door flew back to its place. The sound of the storm subsided slightly. Then, he turned and looked at everyone. "Is there by any chance a little hot chocolate?" he asked. "It wasn't an easy trip..."

Then, he approached an armchair near which Drumr was standing. "By the way... I'm back!"

The old Knights were shocked. But Peragrine was also a bit confused. What was Steffan Rhyffed doing there?

"Wiz Ardon! But you were dead!" Jonna was perplexed.

"Well, not anymore. How about that hot chocolate now?"

"Wiz Ardon?!" Drumr cried and retreated away in fear and awe.

"No guys. I don't know who Wiz Ardon is, but this is definitely Steffan Rhyffed!" Peragrine wondered why the others were confused.

"Ah, and there's Perry!" the enchanter said then. "Last time I saw you, you were a prisoner. Good for you!"

"Not that we're not happy to see you, but what exactly are you doing here?" one of the Thingguys enquired.

"Oh right! Well, happy birthday Perry! Sweet thirty-eight! An important age it is. You're going to go to Hogwarts!"

"Ha?"

"Well, there's a lot of stuff that I'm supposed to say before the actual reveal, but let's just skip to the good part", Steffan continued. "You're a wizard Perry!"

"Yeah, I know that much. You told me last time".

"Oh I did, didn't I? Well, that ruins the dramatic entrance and reveal, doesn't it?"

"What exactly's going on here?" Sharpie asked.

"I'm taking Perry here to Hogwarts where I, Ardon Dumbledore, and other professors shall teach him magic!"

"Magic? Well, we can't have that!" a Thingguy protested and the other nodded. "Magic sounds like something that'd be fun and we can't have Perry doing that, especially since our fat son Drumr can't".

"Oh hey, you're Thingguy, right? And you can speak to horses! I've got something important to tell you, too! You're a wizard, Thaddeus!"

"Oh sweet! We're going to Hogwarts!" the Thingguys cheered and high-fived.

"Wait, you can't go to Hogwarts! We've got rebellions to do, governments to overthrow. You can't leave", Jonna protested.

"Oh hey Jonna, can't you speak to horses, too? I must say... You're a witch, Jonna!"

"Oh sweet! I'm going to Hogwarts!" Jonna cheered and fist-pumped with the Thingguys.

"What are you all thinking guys?" Major protested.

"Oh hey. Major. Wasn't there a character with the same name as you a half-Mythran in another story? I think that's good enough for Hogwarts. You're a half-Mythran-sorta-not-really-but-we-don't-mind, Major!"

"Oh sweet! I'm going to Hogwarts!" Major cheered and butt-bumped with Jonna.

"Seriously, what is going on here?" Tain protested.

"You're a tech guy, Tain -yes, I mysteriously know your name-, aren't you? But any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, I hear. Therefore, you're a wizard, Tain!"

"Oh sweet! I'm going to Hogwarts!" Tain cheered and performed a super-secret-super-special-bro-handshake with Peragrine.

"But are all of you guys really abandoning our cause?" Sharpie protested.

"Hey, you're Sharpie right. The daredevil of lightning. And you have a clown outfit! That must count for something. You're... not a wizard, Sharpie! But come on, there's a place for you in Hogwarts!"

"Oh sweet! I'm going to Hogwarts!" Sharpie cheered and removed his pyjamas to reveal a clown outfit under them.

And so, Ardon Dumbledore left with his newly found students and their fat son Drumr was left alone. Later on, Drumr defeated thedude alone and became the new ruler of the land.

THE END

P.S.: Happy April Fool's Day, if you didn't realise already!