Thedude doesn't like snow

By talmid

Originally posted: 12-30-2014

Parteth 1

The master of Morcia, thedude7500, was not pleased.  He slumped in his throne in the throne room of King Mathia- thedude7500's palace just north of the equator of Morica, from where he ruled the planet.  He held his grammar sword in his right arm, which hung loosely over the edge of his seat, letting the sword go clink, clink, clink against the stone base of the throne.

He was simply out of ideas, and there was nothing more thedude could do to terrorize the people of Morcia, including the citizens of his kingdom, the citizens of the Elephanters, and the rest of the blasted Knights of the Old Speech who were yet to be 'taken care of'.

Finally, he said, " i' em board . "

A Paradox Rogue servant rushed to his master's side.  "What is thy bidding, my master?"

thedude shrieked a horrible shriek.  " DONUT SPEEK EN DEE OL-DEH SPEECH ! . " he roared to the poor Rogue.

"Wha- what did I say?" the Rogue asked.

" ah weeln't say en inheebitted wurd ., " thedude berated to the Rogue, "und naithur weel yuo ! . "

"My humblest apologies, master." said the Rogue.  "But what is this inhibited word you speak of?"

" YUO er en STOO pied ! . " thedude screamed.  " goese a way !  get oats uf mai casstle "

Without another word, the Paradox Rogue left, exiting through the castle door.  As it shut, a blast of cold wind blew snow into the throne room.  A snowflake landed on thedude's face, and thedude sneezed.  " WAT IZ TEH meenin of dis ! " he spat.  " evil sno ! "

Then he got an idea.  At first it was nothing more than a thought that thedude almost brushed away like he did to the snowflake on his face, but then it matured into an idea, one which the more he dwelled upon it the more he liked it, and when thedude liked something he got it.  Immediately.

" BRINK MAI A MASSANJUR PIJUN TO MAI ! ! ! . " he ordered.

A Messenger Pigeon was promptly brought to him and cackling loudly to himself, thedude prepared a message....

Parteth 2

As soon as he was provided with a Messenger Pigeon, which printed out a sheet of paper for him, thedude began writing.  He took out his Grammarless Quill, and with it he scrawled, " 2 tu deh Barney Bots uf mai , . ! ? MEELT DEH SNOUU NOUU ! . ? . ! ! ! AI ORDAR YU ! ! ! ! ! ! . , ? ! "

The Pigeon then ate the message and flew off to join The Cloud.

The Cloud consisted of countless Messenger Pigeons, all chirping and screeching and bickering like birds do.  All of them shared a hive mind, so they knew exactly who needed to write a message and who needed to receive one, so eight of them were promptly dispatched to the corners of Morcia.

One Pigeon flew north towards the land of the Nordeners.  They were a nomadic group of people who roamed the northern terrains, cultivating the land and building igloos for shelter during the harsh northern winters, as they and their ancestors before them had done for centuries.  A Nordener was not the recipient of the Pigeon's message, however, rather its recipient was the Barney Bot that had been dispatched to oversee the area.

The Barney Bot had an outpost inside a northern mountain called Mount Gilesurg.  To get inside the mountain, the Barney Bot had blasted a hole in its side, creating a tunnel to the mountain's core where it built a command center and set up a Hologram Generator to cover up the tunnel with the image of mountain rock, to hide its tracks.  The hologram lacked tangilibity however, due to budget costs, so the Messenger Pigeon flew right through the holographic fake rock to get to the Barney Bot.  It landed on the Barney Bot's arm and squawked.

"What do you want." the Barney Bot asked.

The Pigeon responded by giving the Barney Bot a sheet of paper which had thedude's message on it.  The Barney Bot's orange eyes glowed as it scanned the message, then it began to laugh an evil robot laugh.

All over Morcia, every Barney Bot overseer laughed evil robot laughs.  It was time to do their masters' bidding

Parteth 3

Across Morcia, every Barney Bot Overseer had received thedude's message, and they proceeded to act on it.  thedude ordered them to meelt the snouu, that is what they did.  At the same time, each Barney Bot Overseer exited their hiding spots and armed their cannons with incendiaries, which they promptly launched out into the frigid winter environment of Morcia's northern hemisphere.  The Barney Bots in the southern hemisphere were experiencing summer, but they prepared for any snow just in case by aiming their cannons at the sky, where any coming storm clouds would be.

Technologically superior to anything else on Morcia, the Barney Bots were quickly making short work of the snow in their immediate areas, and there was no one to stop them.  However they were slow and sparse, only clearing out circles of snow thirty feet around them, and the Barney Bots in areas currently snowing were incapable of permanently removing any snow, as it would quickly be replenished.

Back at the castle, thedude was pleased.  It was warm in the throne room and there were no windows or open doors to see the snow outside.

The door burst open suddenly and a minifigure rushed in, bringing in a burst of snow which made thedude scream and recoil in horror.  Then he stood up and yelled at the minifigure as she closed the door.  " WAT ER YUR DUINk HAI ER ! ?" he demanded.  He looked at the ground where she had tracked in a lot of snow.  " GARDS !! GIT RED UFF DAT HIUORIUBLE STUFS ! NAOW ! "

The minifigure turned to thedude.  She were a tattered old cloak over a blue coat, on which he recognized the crest of the Aquilone Kingdom, a former ally of thedude.  While two Rogues swept away the snow, the woman spoke, "I bring a message to the Master thedude from King Jork of the Aquilone Kingdom."

thedude sat down.  " spiek" he said, and the minifigure began to speak.

Parteth 4

"King Jork says," the woman told to thedude, holding up a message to read, "'After years of civil war I have brought the Aquilone Kingdom onto her feet again.  We stand united under my leadership and I am ready to serve Morcia's good again, which for sooth leads me as King to declare war on my former master, the tyrannical thedude.  May this be a rallying cry across all of Morcia, for thedude is nothing but evil-"

" WAt iz dis ! . " shouted thedude.  " seeze hur , gards !"

The Paradox Rogues who were sweeping the snow promptly grabbed the Aquilone messenger.

" srouu hur inta teh dundundundungines , far TRAYSIUN . " he ordered.  She was carried off to the dungeons, while thedude began pacing the throne room.  " houu cud av not nouun " he thought, " mah overseeers ar acros teh planit , und ah mayd ah seevil wor in teh agwilon kigdom "

This required a new plan, thedude decided.  " LARD VLADHUK !! ! 1 ! " he screamed.

Lord Vladek appeared in one of the upstairs balcony's overlooking the throne room.  "My Master, I am here."

" et es teh tym fur wor . " thedude said up to him.  " go ind deeztroy teh agwilon kigdom "

"Yes Master." Vladek said.  "What must I do?"

" ah sayd deeztroy teh agwilon kigdom !! . 1 1 ! i ned nat be moar spisific ? "

"Ah, yes, my Master, your words are clear as crystal." Vladek said.  "I will see their destruction personally.  No one will dare rebel against the Master of Morcia when I am done with the Aquilones.  I will take my sword and bring them down, as I have brought down many before."

" dat eez wat yu sayd last tyme wen teh kigdom uff gyuodlim reebiled " thedude said.

"Yes, I did." Vladek said.  "But this time I will show the Aquilones ten times the wrath that we wrought upon the Gyad'Lim Kingdom.  The Aquilone name shall be forgotten, my Master, as none shall dare speak it in fear of the wrath of the Master of Morica!"

There was a knock on the door.

"hu eez it " thedude called.

"King Jork of the Aquilones!

Parteth 5

" baracade teh door ! " thedude yelled, and Vladek, being the only person besides thedude in the throne room, ran to the door and locked it.  "wayr ar teh gards ? " he asked.

"I gave your Rogues warm food and water." King Jork said through the door from the outside.  "They were cold and on the verge of collapsing in the frigid cold.  They might recover better inside your warm castle, if you wanted to welcome us in."

" nevah ! . " thedude spat.  " fladuhk , go awtsyde and deeztroy keeng jork "

Vladek looked at the door, and imagined the cold environment outside.  "How many men are with you, King Jork?" Vladek called.

"All of them."

thedude's eyes widened.  " dis reebillion mast end NAow ! 1 ! !!1 ! " he screeched.  " FLADUH , AH ARDURED YU TOH GO AWTSYDE ! ! "

"Yes Master," Vladek said.  He drew his sword and opened the door, only for an Aquilone pikeman to charge through.  Vladek expertly danced to the side and with a spin of his sword removed the pikeman of his weapon, but by then many more soldiers had ran through the door and they began to spread out.  Many charged for Vladek, while five began heading for thedude.

" dis eez WOR !" thedude screamed.  He held up his grammar sword and aimed it at the center of the soldiers.  A bolt of lightning erupted from the sword's tip and spread out to encompass the soldiers.  In an instant they were on the ground, hollering unintelligably.

Then, surrounded by swordsmen, pikemen, and archers, King Jork entered.  He was elderly but not frail, his blue eyes ablaze with intensity as he chose his target.  The throne room was empty of everyone but thedude and Vladek.  It was a king's entire army against only two.  "Take out Vladek," the King ordered, "and get thedude into chains."

" NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!" thedude shouted with a wave of his sword, sending a blast of power towards the King who ducked his head to avoid the blast.  " yuo al weel be deeztroyed ! "  Then he turned around and fled to the dungeons

Parteth 6

"After him!" ordered King Jork, and a large contingent of his blue-clad Aquilone soldiers ran to pursue thedude as he disappeared into the dungeons.

He then turned to see how the fight was going against Lord Vladek.  To Jork's surprise and horror, of the many men who had went to do battle against thedude's lieutenant, none of them stood.  Vladek however, had not a scratch on his body.  He walked towards King Jork, and his remaining men all faced Vladek, backing up to protect their king.

"You are a fool to betray your Master, thedude." Vladek taunted, raising his sword in front of him.  "Your crime against thedude carries a terrible price, but it is fit for a traitor: destruction.  You should make your last words an embracement of your true king before I take your life."

"I am not the first king of Militiregnum to challenge the tyranny of your Master," King Jork said, "and I will not be the last.  I pity your soul, Vladek, but your heart is dark, full of evil.  You were exiled by the olde council but sadly that did not cure you.  We have no place for you on Morcia."

"Speak no more!" Vladek exclaimed.  A throwing knife appeared in his left hand, and suddenly it was arcing through the air on a path leading straight to King Jork's heart.

Through the dank corridors of the castle's lower levels, which also housed the dungeons, thedude breathed heavily and ran loudly.  His grammar sword constantly scraped against the walls and floor, creating sparks of grammarless lightning and making him easy to track.  He rounded a corner to a hallway of barred cells.  He jammed his Grammar Sword into the first cell's lock, and let himself in.

"wakey wakey " thedude said to the man occupying the cell.

The thin tunic the man wore did little to hide his gauntness.  His hair was unkept and covered his face, and his graying beard drooped well past his lowest ribs.  His limbs shivered in the cold, damp air, and slowly Sir Talmid raised his head to face his captor.

"thedude." he rasped

Parteth 7

" yuo shud knoe to kall maI MAstahr naow " thedude sayd.  "eet ees tyme ah got reed uf yuo , sutpid nite .  ah hav hayard teh agwilons to smahs yuo .day ar comign naow "

Sir Talmid could hear rapid, running footsteps and shouts from elsewhere in the dungeons.  The Aquilones, he thought.  So the time had come.  His shaking hands found the edge of the stone bench upon which he sat, and he pressed himself to stand.  He stood, bent over, for several seconds until his back responded, and then he stood tall, taller than thedude, but merely a shadow of his old self.

"Alas, so it shall be." the old knight said.

thedude opened the cell door with a squeak and pushed Sir Talmid out.  " go to yur deth " he said, pushing the knight again.

Limping, Sir Talmid entered the corridor, just as three Aquilone archers rounded a corner at the corridor's lightless end.  One of them raised his bow at Sir Talmid.

"Is that him?"

"The King wants thedude alive."

Whateth? Talmid thought.  He opened his mouth to call, but his voice cracked.  "I am Sir Talmid!" he barely choked out.

Then he felt a sharp pain in his chest, and he reached his hands to his shirt, his fingers wrapping around the shaft of an arrow.  He stumbled backwards, back into his cell, his head spinning, and then literally as his legs lost feeling and gave away.  Sir Talmid gave a last cry as he hit the ground, but then the pain began to fade away.  His fingers slipped off the arrow and his arms fell limp.  He saw nothing but darkness, and heard nothing but a low droning of people around him.

"It was a knock-out arrow," the Aquilone archer said, removing its adhesive tip with a micro-sized injector from Sir Talmid's chest.  "But we did not hit thedude."

"He must have escaped into a lower level." another soldier said, looking at the yawning hole of a trapdoor in the floor of the cell they were in.  "He is too far now, let us go back to the King.

Parteth 8

" ha ha ha " said thedude as his head popped out of the secret passageway into the middle of the floor in the palace stables.  Surrounding him was a platoon of Paradox Rogues.  They were all asleep.

" waykup yus foolises ! " he screamed, rousing the soldiers at the call of their master.  " eet es bcuz of yurs stoopidnyss dat the palace ees undar ATARCK ! . !! 1 foolises " he muttered.  " go an deeztroy teh agwilon invayders "

The sleepy soldiers quickly grouped and ran out of the stables, headed for the castle.  thedude laughed again.  There had been previous attempts at removing him from the throne, it was true, but none of them had ever gotten anywhere.  This attempt was no different, thedude thought, and King Jork and his band of traitors would be defeated soon.  Then he could go back to the castle where it was warm.

thedude shivered.  It was cold, quiet, and empty in the stables, and there were no animals which could provide body heat either.  thedude wondered then if he should have reconsiderd about getting rid of all of King Mathias' horses.  Then he heard a creak.

" EES THAR ANYWON HAER ? " he called into the darkness.

He got up and raised his grammar sword, searching for the cause of the creak.  Then he heard it again, coming from above.  He scanned the storage balconies high up on the walls but he could not see anyone if anyone was there.

" yus weel meet yurs doom fir scayring tehdood " thedude said through gritted teeth as he channeled the grammar-less power of his brain into the sword.  A blast of energy erupted from the sword, obliterating half of the stables.  A cloud of debris particles quickly filled his vision, and he heard the yelp of a barn cat and then scampering feet before the dust cleared.

Instead of half the stables, thedude saw all the snow outside the castle and the stables.  It was still snowing outside, and now a wall of falling snowflakes rushed right into the stables through the wall-less space directly towards thedude!

Parteth 9

"aeieiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" screamed thedude until the snow touched him.  It was cold and his joints immediately froze, neither because of the cold or because of his will, but because of his total and utter fear of the snow.  All of this fear triggered his grammar sword to do something to protect its wielder.  There was a flash of light followed by an expanding wave of energy from the grammar sword - it passed through thedude but it incinerated any and all snow in its path, expanding outwards until it dissipated ten miles from the castle stables.

"ha ! " shouted thedude jubilantly.  " iz gotz teh powah teh snow eez no mach for mee . "  He proceeded out of the stables towards the castle on the snowless ground before he slipped on the newly revealed ground-covering ice.  He hit his head and was knocked out.

* * * * * *

thedude woke up to find that it was snowing.  Quickly he first checked if his grammar sword was broken, and then he checked himself for any broken bones or bruises of which there were none.  "sutpid ise " he said in regards to the ice on which he had slipped.  He began running back to the castle before he slipped on the ice and hit his head again, knocking himself out.

* * * * * *

"wy dos dis keep hapynun to mee " thedude complained when he woke up again.  He got up and proceeded back to the castle, this time actually trying not to slip on the ice.  He made it past the drawbridge and up to the throne room doors, which he pushed open in an epic fashion.  In there he found Vladek sitting on the throne.

"GIT OFF UF THAR ! . " thedude screamed .  " und geev mee sum foood "

"Yes, Master!" exclaimed Vladek.  He jumped off the throne room chair and turned to all of the Paradox Rogue guards standing around the room.  "Go cook something."  They ran off obediently.

Parteth 10

thedude took his seat in the throne.  " so - wat happen " he asked.

"The Aquilone Rebellion was totally crushed, they were no match for me." Vladek puffed.  "And your revenge is being carried out swiftly and strongly, Master."  He circled around to behind thedude's shoulder and whispered in his ear.  "It is not me who defeated them, but your strength and wisdom which you shared to me which enabled their destruction.  We are only your servants to do your bidding."

" ha" said thedude.

Vladek wondered whether he should take his sword, take down thedude, and take the throne for himself now.  He was in a strategic position right behind the tyrant where he could not see.  Vladek could have the element of surprise.  He could rule Morcia as had always been his plan, and no longer have to worry about the power of thedude above him.

"VLADEK !" shouted thedude.

Vladek drew his sword and took a step back, wondering if his thoughts had been discovered.  thedude was everything else, why couldn't he be a mind reader as well?  "What is it, Master?" Vladek asked.

"i smel somthin borning - go to teh kitchen and check on teh pardox rouges yusent to get mah foood "

"Yes, Master."  Vladek ran off.  That had been close.  He would not attempt to usurp the throne again.

* * * * * *

Eventually castle life returned to how it had been before the Aquilone rebellion, which was ended as quickly as it had started.  The differences were, any form of Aquilone government was completely disbanded, along with any and every other form of sub-government under thedude.  The ruling power was now ultimately thedude's, and his tyranny was now entirely over the people of Morcia.  There were only people, and through his army and his power he ruled them all.

Also Sir Talmid woke up and escaped.

THE END

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